Birthday Time!

Well now I get to put all my excitement into a post. My daughter's birthday is coming up and this week I'm planning her birthday. I'm planning a "Duckie" themed party and we ordered her personal cake already. I'm so thrilled! I think that she'll have fun, Jeff is going to make her breakfast for her and wake her up. Its hard to believe she's going to be a year old....

On a more disappointing note, Jeff told me he only wants one baby. I want to have lots of kids. like maybe three, but...I know that won't happen...oh well....

I just hope everything works out....I love my family...but I want a big family.

Obsession: Pregnancy

For the past month I have been obsessed with pregnancy, and babies.

I keep wanting to get pregnant again, maybe in the back of my mind I think I could make up for everything with my PP-crap with a new baby. But then I also feel like I just want a bigger family. I don't know if this comes with Post-Partum, but it has been on my mind alot. I even want to go through labor again.

I see other babies and I just really want to cuddle them and my little girl and have another baby. I told Jeff today and he let me cry out my frustrations, I'm not going to get pregnant. At least not for a while. Jeff has been great with me, so I have to just say I love him to no end, he's so supportive of me in my recovery, and I love him for being so understanding.

I also love my mom for always supporting my writing, I'm super excited for this week, because Jeff is typing up the first book in my series, and I'm going to try to find a literary agent next, then a publisher. I'm so glad for all the support from my friends, and my family for their support throughout the years. I hope that those of you who read my blog, have faith to help me along in my future decisions of my life.

As always, thank you for taking the time to read my blog, and please do follow me on Facebook. I thank you all so much.

Massaging the Past

I'm still trying to forgive my grandma, but its hard to. Today I'm going to get a massage, so maybe during that time I can try to think about what she said and what she did.

In the past few days, I've been "massaging" my past, thinking back to when I was pregnant, and thinking about how I changed and how people treated me. I was isolated alot then too. But I still had friends. I'm starting to relax more, and think about what I say and do before I act. I spend a lot more time with Hazel now that I feel comfortable about how I'm feeling, most of the time.

Dixie might have to leave the house, because of how she acts towards Hazel, but my cousin Angel said she'd try to convince her parents to take Dixie in even with their two big dogs. The tension in the house is sort of relaxing, but we still have moments. I'm glad to say that I'm starting to feel normal again.

I still have some trouble with my emotions sometimes but that's getting to be easier to handle as well, its just other people that confuse me anymore.

I'm trying to sort out my own feelings so that I can possibly begin writing my book again. I'm now considering just combining the two books to make it flow better, but I'm starting to think that I might just need to do some editing in the first book to make my story in the second book will be better understood. Writing this story in my head has really helped me put my emotions down into events in a book, where I can't be in trouble. It helps me relax and calm down.

Erotophobia

Erotophobia, the fear of sex.

That is one of my problems with my anxiety. When I was about 2-3 months pregnant, I was raped, I'm not going into details or names, but I'm just explaining my fear here. Since then, I have had trouble relaxing enough to have a few moments with Jeff, before I make up some lame excuse to stop. I have been scared, like I have no control in my sexual relationship with him, I feel weak, and not as strong as other girls.

I want to feel safe in my relationship, but most of this must start in the bedroom, I need to feel that I have power and choices in the bedroom, not just Jeff. I love him, he doesn't hurt me. I just am scared. I am trying to feel more powerful. Last night was a good first try.

EXCUSE ME IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MY SEXLIFE AND STRUGGLES WITH MY SELF CONFIDENCE AND BETTERING MYSELF, PLEASE EXIT THIS BLOG. THANK YOU.

I am trying to do this for me, and no one else. I am trying to make me feel better about myself. Thank you for reading this and helping me with kind words and keeping close watch on my blog. I do appreciate it.

Long Road Taken

Well, after a rough time on Valentine's Day (due to some nasty comments about my character, and my mental health by an outside party), I got to talk and hang out with a very close friend, who i thought I had lost. I'm happy to say that she and I are back to how things used to be. I have Jeff to thank for talking to her.

I managed to cling onto a copy of Hotel Transylvania. I'm trying to be a little more outgoing, but I regressed alot more, because of the nasty comments. I tried to be strong, but I just got exhausted from everything, so this weekend I've been trying to relax, not easy to do with a lot of pain in my leg and stomach.

While I try to recover, I just want to thank the people in my life, first of all...Jeff. Thank you so much, for everything you do. You hold me up and you let me cry on your shoulder, even when I panic. I love you, and I need you more than you know.

Second, Hazel, my sweetie, my cutie, and my little ray of sunshine, for always being able to make me grin, no matter what, I always want to snuggle you, and cuddle you. I just love your beautiful smile and tiny feet and gentle but strong fingers.

Thirdly, my mom, for being able to understand my life, and always wanting to help me move forward from what i'm going through. I love you so much, and I know that you don't like how the kitchen is sometimes, but I do love you, and I just want you to know that.

My friends, Kelsey, Kellie, Dani, Andrew, and Julia, thank you for all the constant support and love that you give me each and everyday with all the smilies, smiles, laughs, and over excited conversations we have when we have soda and have way too many ideas in our heads.

And thank you, to everyone who reads this. It means a lot to me to know that you care enough to take the time to read my blog. So...thank you.

Valentine's Day

I am actually looking forward to tomorrow. Jeff has somethings planned for our family and ourselves for the evening. Hazel loves her giant stuffed bear that Jeff and I found at Wal-mart for her.

Tomorrow morning Hazel is spending time with us, and we're all going to play, as a family.

Now, Jeff has me excited and nervous for the evening, I don't know what we're doing.

For My Zing

Well, this week has come so fast. Its nearly Valentine's Day, and as it approaches, I am getting anxious, nervous and worried. Why? Because I'm scared Jeff will pull away. Last night, I could not fall asleep until I was holding his hand and laying on his chest, and I did NOT want him to move, he barely got to go to the kitchen for a bowl of cereal, because I was scared he was going to run away.

I love him, but alot of our little fights happen because I'm scared of losing him, or of him leaving me because he'll realize I'm just a touch screwy in the head. He continually tells me he knows that I'm screwy, but that I'm just weird, and that's what he loves about me. I call myself crazy and he tells me I'm not, and that he loves me.

He means so much to me...He is my life preserver, my rock, my love, and my other half. I do not know what I would do without him. He is always going to be my safe place to hide in when I need to.

So, I dedicate this blog post to him. We may have our fights, we may have our struggles, we may disagree on movies every time we go to the movie store, we may not like each others' video games, but...I will always love you, you are always in my heart. Forever. You are my Zing.