Looking Ahead

Well as Hazel's first year comes to a close, I'm left looking forward to the rest, and patiently waiting for depression to loosen its hold on my life. I wish that I could be a stay at home mom, and help my daughter grow and become a caring,sensitive member in our family and community. But I know I have to get a job, and help to provide for her, and let her find out how to be a caring person from examples around her, and the values we instill in her even when she's barely walking.

I had to cut back on my Trazodone, which my therapist told me was a horse sedative that is being over prescribed and it takes a harder toll on the human body. The side effects are; memory loss, vomiting/nausea, irregular heart beat, heavy chest, breathing problems, muscle aches/stiff muscles, and several others. I suggest you do your research on medication before you say okay to the doctor, you all have smartphones probably, so you should be able to look it up.

I needed to get that out of the way so now I can tell you what's been going on.

My mom and I went shopping for Hazel's birthday party last night and somehow we wound up in the baby department looking at clothes. We found some preemie clothes and we both almost started crying over how big she's gotten in the past year. She's on whole milk now, and she's a little milk monster. We spent a lot of the night talking because Hazel had her super-special birthday sleepover with Grandpa John, and it gave us time to think back to how it was. Its hard to believe we came from this



to this

and finally to this

And her smile grows with her, making her even more beautiful every day as she finds the happiness in family.

Obsession: Pregnancy

For the past month I have been obsessed with pregnancy, and babies.

I keep wanting to get pregnant again, maybe in the back of my mind I think I could make up for everything with my PP-crap with a new baby. But then I also feel like I just want a bigger family. I don't know if this comes with Post-Partum, but it has been on my mind alot. I even want to go through labor again.

I see other babies and I just really want to cuddle them and my little girl and have another baby. I told Jeff today and he let me cry out my frustrations, I'm not going to get pregnant. At least not for a while. Jeff has been great with me, so I have to just say I love him to no end, he's so supportive of me in my recovery, and I love him for being so understanding.

I also love my mom for always supporting my writing, I'm super excited for this week, because Jeff is typing up the first book in my series, and I'm going to try to find a literary agent next, then a publisher. I'm so glad for all the support from my friends, and my family for their support throughout the years. I hope that those of you who read my blog, have faith to help me along in my future decisions of my life.

As always, thank you for taking the time to read my blog, and please do follow me on Facebook. I thank you all so much.

Long Road Taken

Well, after a rough time on Valentine's Day (due to some nasty comments about my character, and my mental health by an outside party), I got to talk and hang out with a very close friend, who i thought I had lost. I'm happy to say that she and I are back to how things used to be. I have Jeff to thank for talking to her.

I managed to cling onto a copy of Hotel Transylvania. I'm trying to be a little more outgoing, but I regressed alot more, because of the nasty comments. I tried to be strong, but I just got exhausted from everything, so this weekend I've been trying to relax, not easy to do with a lot of pain in my leg and stomach.

While I try to recover, I just want to thank the people in my life, first of all...Jeff. Thank you so much, for everything you do. You hold me up and you let me cry on your shoulder, even when I panic. I love you, and I need you more than you know.

Second, Hazel, my sweetie, my cutie, and my little ray of sunshine, for always being able to make me grin, no matter what, I always want to snuggle you, and cuddle you. I just love your beautiful smile and tiny feet and gentle but strong fingers.

Thirdly, my mom, for being able to understand my life, and always wanting to help me move forward from what i'm going through. I love you so much, and I know that you don't like how the kitchen is sometimes, but I do love you, and I just want you to know that.

My friends, Kelsey, Kellie, Dani, Andrew, and Julia, thank you for all the constant support and love that you give me each and everyday with all the smilies, smiles, laughs, and over excited conversations we have when we have soda and have way too many ideas in our heads.

And thank you, to everyone who reads this. It means a lot to me to know that you care enough to take the time to read my blog. So...thank you.

Valentine's Day

I am actually looking forward to tomorrow. Jeff has somethings planned for our family and ourselves for the evening. Hazel loves her giant stuffed bear that Jeff and I found at Wal-mart for her.

Tomorrow morning Hazel is spending time with us, and we're all going to play, as a family.

Now, Jeff has me excited and nervous for the evening, I don't know what we're doing.

Another Way

I love writing, and I feel like I'm almost ready to write books and poems again. I'm almost ready to go out in public again...I'm starting to meet new people on bingo blitz. And I did thank my English teacher today, now comes the struggles of adding her on Facebook. I really think that my blog is confusing people, but I'm really just talking about how I feel about things, and whats bugging me.

Rude people bug me. Cold things bug me. Cold pop bugs me.

And often times stupid people bug me.

I try to be honest on here, unlike how I am in person....I try not to hurt people's feelings in person, but the one person i know I can be honest with is Jeff. I can always talk to him, but sometimes I just want to shout out all my frustrations, and annoyances to the world. So that's what you guys read this for. and this is my attempt at being funny.

You can laugh anytime now.

I take things very serious. I rarely see the funny side in a baby falling in dog shit. the first thing that comes to mind for me; "OHMYGOD WHAT ABOUT THE CLOTHES?! AND THE BABY IS GONNA CRY!! STOP IT!!!" Don't laugh. That's seriously what I thought when I saw that video. Not funny.

I am now very clingy to my daughter, I don't want to let her go. She's my little cute sweetie.

Love in My Arms

Hazel came home today from the house being quarantined from her because we all were sick.

As soon as I saw her I was down on the floor hugging her and playing with her. I missed her little arms flapping around, and her big infectious smile and her bright blue eyes.

She was so happy but so tired. I love her, and I'm starting to relax about her. I touch her now, and sometimes I don't even want to let go. I love her so much. So now I'm trying to reach out into the community. I'm going on more dates with Jeff and Hazel, and our friends. I'm trying and starting to feel a bit better outside of the basement and house. I'm trying to help people again. And I'm trying to be helpful to my close friends. You know who you are.

I want to help them see clearly again...and see what they need.

So...my challenge: DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE, WHETHER ITS JUST LISTENING AND GIVING ADVICE, OR JUST TAKING A STEP BACK AND HAVING A CONVERSATION!

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Fear and Cries for Baby

Last night, I was in the hospital. I was screaming for my baby, and wanting to go home out of fear from the other patients. I did not sleep well, even when they gave me a med that made me pass out and kept me passed out until noon the next day.

Jeff is helping me through what we now know is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Post-partum Depression, and Post-partum Anxiety. All of this is piled on top of my struggle to finish high school. I am fighting to keep myself safe, and happy, while still trying to be a mom.

Everyone has their battles, some are for getting into college, while others are merely graduating high school. Some battles are deeper, like trying to stay away from drugs and alcohol, or even trying to make good friends, but being unable to recognize the bad friends, from the good. Even though you cannot physically see my battle, it is always brewing inside me. I may seem to be a normal teenager, but I'm also a young mom. My battle doesn't end when I go to bed, and it doesn't return when I wake up. It is a constant battle, even in my sleep, I'm fighting myself.

I try to get myself up every morning, and sometimes I even have to wear thick eyeliner and mascara to make myself not cry (as to not smear the make up) so I can go to the store to get formula for my baby, or even just for myself to make myself feel better.

I'm not just a teen, and I'm not just a young mom. I'm a person who has a wonderful boyfriend, beautiful baby, and great family (including my almost-family). Some days, I just need to remember that, and look in the mirror to see who is standing behind me, holding me up and helping to keep me strong.

Thank you to everyone who has my back. I thank you with all my heart, and even that does not do you justice.

My challenge for you all:  MAKE A NEW FRIEND TOMORROW, AND TRY TO INTRODUCE THEM TO NEW PEOPLE AND PLACES. EXPLORE THE WORLD AROUND YOU. LOOK AT IT WITH NEW EYES, LIKE A NEWBORN BABY, YOU WILL BE SURPRISED BY WHAT YOU LEARN. TAKE AN INTEREST IN THE WORLD AROUND YOU.

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First Step

I should probably explain why my blog is named “In the Shadows of Daylight”. No one talks about the dark side of being a parent, or the darker side of teen years. I am a teen mom. I got pregnant when I was sixteen by my seventeen year old boyfriend, who ran away from me but later came back. Yes, I’ll get to that later. Yes, we’re still together (not without its challenges, like every relationship). I delivered when I was seventeen. Now at age eighteen, I have post-partum depression. If you don’t know what that is, go look it up in the dictionary, I am not a dictionary.

I kept my beautiful baby girl, who is now ten months old. I used to be fine with touching her when I was breastfeeding and over the summer until school started. I started withdrawing after I got out of the hospital, I’d break down crying when I was away from my baby for longer than an hour. Sometimes I didn’t even make it to half an hour. My wonderful man Jeff (her daddy) tried to take me on a date to Subway and I wound up freaking out in the corner of subway about money and how to take care of our sweetheart.
In the past month, it has done a complete one-eighty. I am afraid of my darling baby girl with huge smiles and hugs for everyone. I cannot touch her without having a panic attack, I want to touch her, but I freak out, I mean, yeah, I love the little sweetie, but hell…I just cannot touch her. I don’t push her away, I just get tense and freak out on Bingo Blitz on Facebook which helps immensely. I have been playing it non-stop for the past two days while trying to figure out how to cope other than bingo.

Sometimes, I can not let my little one go, I’m scared she will run away. (she’s already walking, it’s a legit fear) We already have two kid-gates, and we have them up constantly, the dog now exercises constantly as well between trying to get away from baby and leaping over the gates. I can barely change her diaper, I can’t really give her a bath, and I struggle to feed her (there is NO lack of food for her! Its just me and my battle).
Now, I know what you people are thinking, “That’s what’s wrong with teen parents! Irresponsible! Lazy! Facebook! Abusing their babies!” or something along the lines of “GRAAHHH!!! CPS!!!” (If you don’t know what CPS is…something is wrong with this picture.)

Well I have something to tell you.

Fuck you, old person. I do not abuse my baby. Her dad is the one who takes care of her when I’m having break downs. Don’t like it? Go to a cooking/sewing/house décor/haters of teen parents blog!
My big accomplishment for the day was being able to get my daughter dressed without help, it may sound small…but it was huge, I was so proud of myself. Then she fell and started crying, I freaked out and yelled for Jeff, too scared that I hurt her or that she’ll run from me.

I am not going back to high school this quarter, but I will finish this year, and graduate with my class, it’s going to be a battle, but I will prevail. I want all teen parents to know that its okay to be scared, or be depressed, I’m going through it, but I’m also trying to get better. Somedays I don’t even want to get out of bed because I’m scared of everything. All I wanted to do a while ago, was cuddle with puppies at the humane society, where I found an adorable little one year old griffon puppy named Maddie who had just arrived.

And yes. I asked my parents (begged) and Jeff (he’s a cat person and big dog person) if we could adopt her.

The answer was no. But hey I tried, and I get to volunteer there now and play with the puppies there! One good thing done.

I have never been comfortable around people, I sometimes even freaked on my best friends growing up. But with animals I am fine. This was my therapist’s idea to try to get me to relax since I have always had a knack for writing stories.

No matter what happens to me, I’m going to try to endure for my baby.

Even though I attempted to overdose once, I told my family to lock up all meds in a safe, which might help other people going through depression (ANY FORM OF DEPRESSION!!) and have a family member or trusted person give you what you need to take. You yourself should never have the key, it defeats the purpose.

My name is Kendra, and I am a teen mom, with a strong family and wonderful boyfriend, and beautiful daughter, and this is my blog about being a mom, post-partum depression, and I have no clue what else to put but…I have cookies to eat, and I think I’m good for now.