Panic Attacks

I wanted to explain why panic attacks are scary, and why they hurt.

When I have a panic attack, my heart starts racing and my body locks up. I breathe really fast, and I get very defensive. I'm often in the state of mind of thinking everyone is trying to steal my daughter or take me to a hospital, or even just wanting to hurt me for fun. I get very nervous and want to take Hazel to the basement and curl up in a blanket and protect her.

The panic attacks hurt because of how tense I get, my muscles get stiff and knotted up because of it. I find it hard to relax, but I have heard exercise is good for anxiety attacks, and that it helps overall with mental health. I'm going to try to exercise more, Jeff and I have already promised to start walking every day that there's nice weather.

I also plan on trying to play tennis again, and ride my bike more often. I've also found that mud masks really help relax me after a long day, and that green tea bubble baths that are warm help loosen my muscles. I'm also trying to figure out a way to help my skin some more because I have stress acne, and its a pet peeve of mine. I don't like my skin that much, but I won't torch it in a tanning bed.

So my challenge for you: FIND A WAY TO RELAX AND START EXERCISING, EVEN IF ITS A FIFTEEN MINUTE JOG! JUST HAVE FUN WITH IT!

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Fear and Cries for Baby

Last night, I was in the hospital. I was screaming for my baby, and wanting to go home out of fear from the other patients. I did not sleep well, even when they gave me a med that made me pass out and kept me passed out until noon the next day.

Jeff is helping me through what we now know is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Post-partum Depression, and Post-partum Anxiety. All of this is piled on top of my struggle to finish high school. I am fighting to keep myself safe, and happy, while still trying to be a mom.

Everyone has their battles, some are for getting into college, while others are merely graduating high school. Some battles are deeper, like trying to stay away from drugs and alcohol, or even trying to make good friends, but being unable to recognize the bad friends, from the good. Even though you cannot physically see my battle, it is always brewing inside me. I may seem to be a normal teenager, but I'm also a young mom. My battle doesn't end when I go to bed, and it doesn't return when I wake up. It is a constant battle, even in my sleep, I'm fighting myself.

I try to get myself up every morning, and sometimes I even have to wear thick eyeliner and mascara to make myself not cry (as to not smear the make up) so I can go to the store to get formula for my baby, or even just for myself to make myself feel better.

I'm not just a teen, and I'm not just a young mom. I'm a person who has a wonderful boyfriend, beautiful baby, and great family (including my almost-family). Some days, I just need to remember that, and look in the mirror to see who is standing behind me, holding me up and helping to keep me strong.

Thank you to everyone who has my back. I thank you with all my heart, and even that does not do you justice.

My challenge for you all:  MAKE A NEW FRIEND TOMORROW, AND TRY TO INTRODUCE THEM TO NEW PEOPLE AND PLACES. EXPLORE THE WORLD AROUND YOU. LOOK AT IT WITH NEW EYES, LIKE A NEWBORN BABY, YOU WILL BE SURPRISED BY WHAT YOU LEARN. TAKE AN INTEREST IN THE WORLD AROUND YOU.

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Trust, Friendship, and Drama

It takes a lot to break my trust, I'll be the first to admit it. I am a very patient person, (except when it comes to kids movies*LOVE THEM!!!* or road trips) and I can tolerate getting my hopes up and then have them crushed by the same person for years on end, and so on.

I used to be the kind of friend who would always be there anytime, anywhere, somehow. I used to sleep with my cellphone ready and charged in a KON backpack I slept with in case my friends needed me. I was a very dependable person. I still am.

But not very many of my friends are. DONT YOU DARE SIT THERE AND SAY BULLSHIT:

You know who you are. Whenever I called needing someone to talk to, you were all too busy, or ignored my calls. You all may say that you've been there for me, but whenever I asked you to hang out

(A) you're already with someone

(B) You've already made plans

(C) Don't want to

(D) ((my favorite)) go on Facebook and complain about how no one wants to hang out with you


A lot of this has impacted me in my recovery. I need people who care about me to actually step up and say that you want to hang and watch movies. I have never tried to be a loner. You guys made me a loner by leaving me on my own.

Often times throughout high school, I have sat at a lunch table alone, and none of you have even noticed me, or attempted to wave a simple "hi" to me. I feel like I am not welcomed at all by the people who call me a friend.

Friendship and communication go two ways, I'm here and I've been trying....what about you?


I am going to give everyone ONE CHALLENGE FOR TOMORROW; reach out to someone. ANYONE you KNOW needs some friendship in their day.

I also want everyone to try not to break promises. EVER. I know sometimes you can't help it, but tell the person why. And it better not be a ridiculous reason for example:

a.  "I had to watch a TV marathon of _________!"

b.  "I was talking to _______ and lost track of time!"

c.  "Because I don't like you." (if this is your excuse why are you even making a promise to them?)

And for all the drama queens out there...will it really matter in a few months? Just drop it. No one likes drama, get the fuck over it.