Love with Challenges

Jeff and I aren't perfect. We'll be the first people to admit that. We bicker, but we make up for everything by how we care about each other. Everyday is a challenge, and we accept that. Love isn't a cake walk, it's a challenge to show the world that there is someone out there that can drive you crazy, make you mad, and be your other half all at the same time, despite differences that exist between two people.

I love Jeff, and I know he loves me. He doesn't need to say it, but I know he does. I know I'm a grouchy, mean-spirited girl, but he brings out the side of me that I keep hidden. Its the side when I cry, laugh, and cuddle, and I never want to leave his side, it makes me so happy to know that I found the love of my life, and he's perfect to me, despite all the little pet peeves about him, I wouldn't want him any other way.

That's how love should be. I challenge everyone in the world to find a love like that, where its not who has given up more for the other, its about the time you spend together, and how you feel around them.

Love is about the feeling you're consumed with when you see them. That is love, when you can't imagine life without them.

Colors

I know this may seem like a strange thing, but when I meet people, I smell them and try to find a color to suit their smell. When I decide on a color that determines whether or not I'm "compatible" with them as a friend. Hazel is a soft purple-lavender, and I can't get enough of her smell, so when I miss her, I will smell her favorite blanket (creepy i know, but hey it was originally was my Christmas present this year!! i just let her have it because she loved it.) to keep me calm.

When I first met Jeff, I told him his color when I hugged him. I kind of blurted it out, "Purple, you smell like purple." and that earned me the title of being his weird girlfriend later on. BUT lately...his color has changed ever so slightly from a vibrant purple to now more like a deeper darker purple. and kind of dulled. I guess that just means he's matured. Julia has a color, it's periwinkle. Kelsey has a color, it's a purple and pink mixture. My friend Twiggit was a vibrant Irish green.

Colors mean a lot to me, and so do the people who smell like them. I know it sounds weird, but knowing that colors don't change when the people take a step back from me. I know that if they ever want to be friends again, that nothing will really have changed.

Back to School

Tomorrow, I return to high school and finish my final quarter. I am both nervous and excited to know this has finally come. I just hope I can deal with the pressures of being back, and with handling being around other people. I know I can succeed, but I also know that I will be challenged to complete all my courses in order to walk across the stage in May.

If you're just now tuning into my blog, I am a new mom, who is suffering from post-partum depression and post-partum anxiety, along with post traumatic stress disorder. I had to take the past quarter of school off so that I could focus on my recovering. I have accomplished alot.

Publish

Well, I decided that I will self publish my books. I'm just hoping that I can receive as much support in my writing books as my blog and in my recovery.

My book is about two teenagers in a new world that one of them knew existed and the other didn't know about it, but was meant to rule it. Its based off my emotions from the past year and how I wish I could be (how I used to be). I incorporate several thoughts and emotions a teenager faces when dealing with something new. I try to keep it light and funny, while still having serious moments in between all the interacting characters, and I involve the environment as much as possible.

I'll update when it will go on sale on amazon, and let everyone know, so if you want to support me, please buy my book when it is on the market.

Looking Ahead

Well as Hazel's first year comes to a close, I'm left looking forward to the rest, and patiently waiting for depression to loosen its hold on my life. I wish that I could be a stay at home mom, and help my daughter grow and become a caring,sensitive member in our family and community. But I know I have to get a job, and help to provide for her, and let her find out how to be a caring person from examples around her, and the values we instill in her even when she's barely walking.

I had to cut back on my Trazodone, which my therapist told me was a horse sedative that is being over prescribed and it takes a harder toll on the human body. The side effects are; memory loss, vomiting/nausea, irregular heart beat, heavy chest, breathing problems, muscle aches/stiff muscles, and several others. I suggest you do your research on medication before you say okay to the doctor, you all have smartphones probably, so you should be able to look it up.

I needed to get that out of the way so now I can tell you what's been going on.

My mom and I went shopping for Hazel's birthday party last night and somehow we wound up in the baby department looking at clothes. We found some preemie clothes and we both almost started crying over how big she's gotten in the past year. She's on whole milk now, and she's a little milk monster. We spent a lot of the night talking because Hazel had her super-special birthday sleepover with Grandpa John, and it gave us time to think back to how it was. Its hard to believe we came from this



to this

and finally to this

And her smile grows with her, making her even more beautiful every day as she finds the happiness in family.

Birthday Time!

Well now I get to put all my excitement into a post. My daughter's birthday is coming up and this week I'm planning her birthday. I'm planning a "Duckie" themed party and we ordered her personal cake already. I'm so thrilled! I think that she'll have fun, Jeff is going to make her breakfast for her and wake her up. Its hard to believe she's going to be a year old....

On a more disappointing note, Jeff told me he only wants one baby. I want to have lots of kids. like maybe three, but...I know that won't happen...oh well....

I just hope everything works out....I love my family...but I want a big family.

Obsession: Pregnancy

For the past month I have been obsessed with pregnancy, and babies.

I keep wanting to get pregnant again, maybe in the back of my mind I think I could make up for everything with my PP-crap with a new baby. But then I also feel like I just want a bigger family. I don't know if this comes with Post-Partum, but it has been on my mind alot. I even want to go through labor again.

I see other babies and I just really want to cuddle them and my little girl and have another baby. I told Jeff today and he let me cry out my frustrations, I'm not going to get pregnant. At least not for a while. Jeff has been great with me, so I have to just say I love him to no end, he's so supportive of me in my recovery, and I love him for being so understanding.

I also love my mom for always supporting my writing, I'm super excited for this week, because Jeff is typing up the first book in my series, and I'm going to try to find a literary agent next, then a publisher. I'm so glad for all the support from my friends, and my family for their support throughout the years. I hope that those of you who read my blog, have faith to help me along in my future decisions of my life.

As always, thank you for taking the time to read my blog, and please do follow me on Facebook. I thank you all so much.