Fear and Cries for Baby

Last night, I was in the hospital. I was screaming for my baby, and wanting to go home out of fear from the other patients. I did not sleep well, even when they gave me a med that made me pass out and kept me passed out until noon the next day.

Jeff is helping me through what we now know is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Post-partum Depression, and Post-partum Anxiety. All of this is piled on top of my struggle to finish high school. I am fighting to keep myself safe, and happy, while still trying to be a mom.

Everyone has their battles, some are for getting into college, while others are merely graduating high school. Some battles are deeper, like trying to stay away from drugs and alcohol, or even trying to make good friends, but being unable to recognize the bad friends, from the good. Even though you cannot physically see my battle, it is always brewing inside me. I may seem to be a normal teenager, but I'm also a young mom. My battle doesn't end when I go to bed, and it doesn't return when I wake up. It is a constant battle, even in my sleep, I'm fighting myself.

I try to get myself up every morning, and sometimes I even have to wear thick eyeliner and mascara to make myself not cry (as to not smear the make up) so I can go to the store to get formula for my baby, or even just for myself to make myself feel better.

I'm not just a teen, and I'm not just a young mom. I'm a person who has a wonderful boyfriend, beautiful baby, and great family (including my almost-family). Some days, I just need to remember that, and look in the mirror to see who is standing behind me, holding me up and helping to keep me strong.

Thank you to everyone who has my back. I thank you with all my heart, and even that does not do you justice.

My challenge for you all:  MAKE A NEW FRIEND TOMORROW, AND TRY TO INTRODUCE THEM TO NEW PEOPLE AND PLACES. EXPLORE THE WORLD AROUND YOU. LOOK AT IT WITH NEW EYES, LIKE A NEWBORN BABY, YOU WILL BE SURPRISED BY WHAT YOU LEARN. TAKE AN INTEREST IN THE WORLD AROUND YOU.

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Beginning to Forgive

When I told my grandma on my dad's side that I was pregnant, not even a second after I told her, she had said, "You ruined your life," and still has not apologized about it. Yes, I understand that she's my grandma and I should respect her and shit, but excuse me. I deserve some respect too. So I automatically told her, "I DID NOT ruin my life. I WILL graduate high school. And I WILL keep my baby."

I hardly speak to her now, but last night I spoke to her and attempted to be civil and hold a decent conversation with her. It didn't last long, but at least I didn't wind up yelling at her. I still hold a little bit of anger towards her, but I will try to be better about it in the future.

I have never had a very close tight relationship with my father's side of the family. That's probably because they are all alot older than me, and there is always a lot of fighting. I hide from drama. I don't like it.

My mom's side of the family is the side I love hanging with. I had a very close relationship with my Papa, who died last spring, six weeks after Hazel was born. I found out when I woke up in the morning that he had passed around midnight the night before.

My grandpa was the most accepting person on my mom's side of the family, and I was so happy when they all followed suit.

But near the middle of my pregnancy he was taken to the hospital and was struggling with blood clots and a high white blood cell count.

We had taken sweet little Hazel to see him the day he died, because he was asking for her. That day we had taken a picture of Hazel holding his thumb. He loved her so much, and he had been waiting to see her one last time.

I did not get to the cemetery on time to be there for his burial, and that made me dive deeper into my depression. My family is pulling together now to try to get over the loss of Papa, and we miss him so much. Hazel has taken his seat at the head of the table for Thanksgiving, and she even fell asleep like he used to.

As a family she is making things easier, and now I am willing to go to grief counselling to help me get through this. Its going to be a long road, and my panic attacks are getting better, and even little Maddie got adopted, so that gave me quite a bit of relief.

First Step

I should probably explain why my blog is named “In the Shadows of Daylight”. No one talks about the dark side of being a parent, or the darker side of teen years. I am a teen mom. I got pregnant when I was sixteen by my seventeen year old boyfriend, who ran away from me but later came back. Yes, I’ll get to that later. Yes, we’re still together (not without its challenges, like every relationship). I delivered when I was seventeen. Now at age eighteen, I have post-partum depression. If you don’t know what that is, go look it up in the dictionary, I am not a dictionary.

I kept my beautiful baby girl, who is now ten months old. I used to be fine with touching her when I was breastfeeding and over the summer until school started. I started withdrawing after I got out of the hospital, I’d break down crying when I was away from my baby for longer than an hour. Sometimes I didn’t even make it to half an hour. My wonderful man Jeff (her daddy) tried to take me on a date to Subway and I wound up freaking out in the corner of subway about money and how to take care of our sweetheart.
In the past month, it has done a complete one-eighty. I am afraid of my darling baby girl with huge smiles and hugs for everyone. I cannot touch her without having a panic attack, I want to touch her, but I freak out, I mean, yeah, I love the little sweetie, but hell…I just cannot touch her. I don’t push her away, I just get tense and freak out on Bingo Blitz on Facebook which helps immensely. I have been playing it non-stop for the past two days while trying to figure out how to cope other than bingo.

Sometimes, I can not let my little one go, I’m scared she will run away. (she’s already walking, it’s a legit fear) We already have two kid-gates, and we have them up constantly, the dog now exercises constantly as well between trying to get away from baby and leaping over the gates. I can barely change her diaper, I can’t really give her a bath, and I struggle to feed her (there is NO lack of food for her! Its just me and my battle).
Now, I know what you people are thinking, “That’s what’s wrong with teen parents! Irresponsible! Lazy! Facebook! Abusing their babies!” or something along the lines of “GRAAHHH!!! CPS!!!” (If you don’t know what CPS is…something is wrong with this picture.)

Well I have something to tell you.

Fuck you, old person. I do not abuse my baby. Her dad is the one who takes care of her when I’m having break downs. Don’t like it? Go to a cooking/sewing/house décor/haters of teen parents blog!
My big accomplishment for the day was being able to get my daughter dressed without help, it may sound small…but it was huge, I was so proud of myself. Then she fell and started crying, I freaked out and yelled for Jeff, too scared that I hurt her or that she’ll run from me.

I am not going back to high school this quarter, but I will finish this year, and graduate with my class, it’s going to be a battle, but I will prevail. I want all teen parents to know that its okay to be scared, or be depressed, I’m going through it, but I’m also trying to get better. Somedays I don’t even want to get out of bed because I’m scared of everything. All I wanted to do a while ago, was cuddle with puppies at the humane society, where I found an adorable little one year old griffon puppy named Maddie who had just arrived.

And yes. I asked my parents (begged) and Jeff (he’s a cat person and big dog person) if we could adopt her.

The answer was no. But hey I tried, and I get to volunteer there now and play with the puppies there! One good thing done.

I have never been comfortable around people, I sometimes even freaked on my best friends growing up. But with animals I am fine. This was my therapist’s idea to try to get me to relax since I have always had a knack for writing stories.

No matter what happens to me, I’m going to try to endure for my baby.

Even though I attempted to overdose once, I told my family to lock up all meds in a safe, which might help other people going through depression (ANY FORM OF DEPRESSION!!) and have a family member or trusted person give you what you need to take. You yourself should never have the key, it defeats the purpose.

My name is Kendra, and I am a teen mom, with a strong family and wonderful boyfriend, and beautiful daughter, and this is my blog about being a mom, post-partum depression, and I have no clue what else to put but…I have cookies to eat, and I think I’m good for now.