Babies

I don't know if this is just me, or if all new moms have this feeling, but I REALLY want to have another baby. I want another so bad. Today I went to the doctors and I heard a tiny baby squawk and I just had the urge to be a mommy again. Jeff and I have planned to hold off until we're ready, so right now we're loving little Hazel to pieces right now.

I wanted to know if anyone else had these feelings a year or so after they had their first baby. If you have please share in the comments or message me about it. I don't want to be alone in feeling this way. I love babies and I really want another, but Jeff isn't sure if he wants another baby. I grew up as an only child and I honestly always wanted a big family of three or so kids and my husband and me. I hated being an only child, it was boring and I often felt alone, which kind of led to my childhood depression.

Please share your thoughts! It would be so helpful!

Obsession: Pregnancy

For the past month I have been obsessed with pregnancy, and babies.

I keep wanting to get pregnant again, maybe in the back of my mind I think I could make up for everything with my PP-crap with a new baby. But then I also feel like I just want a bigger family. I don't know if this comes with Post-Partum, but it has been on my mind alot. I even want to go through labor again.

I see other babies and I just really want to cuddle them and my little girl and have another baby. I told Jeff today and he let me cry out my frustrations, I'm not going to get pregnant. At least not for a while. Jeff has been great with me, so I have to just say I love him to no end, he's so supportive of me in my recovery, and I love him for being so understanding.

I also love my mom for always supporting my writing, I'm super excited for this week, because Jeff is typing up the first book in my series, and I'm going to try to find a literary agent next, then a publisher. I'm so glad for all the support from my friends, and my family for their support throughout the years. I hope that those of you who read my blog, have faith to help me along in my future decisions of my life.

As always, thank you for taking the time to read my blog, and please do follow me on Facebook. I thank you all so much.

Challenges and Stereotypes

Today, I had a nap with Hazel this morning.

Challenge: not having an anxiety attack when Hazel was screaming for Jeff who was in the other room.

Mood:  Frazzled/overwhelmed

I am slowly getting closer to Hazel, but everything is starting to get on top of me. I am starting to feel as though no one is willing to talk to me anymore. I'm also getting tired of being called a "teen mom". I'm a teenager, and I am a mom. I won't always be a teenager. So I would rather people start calling "teen moms" YOUNG MOMS instead. Its much more accurate. Young moms grow up faster than teenagers mentally.

I don't like stereotypes. I hate them. SO..... my challenge for everyone, talk to someone different than you. Like punk, rocker, goth, emo, popular, etc. and get to know them AS A PERSON! Try to understand them better, and try to find things that you both have in common, you might be surprised, and make a new friend.

I don't like judging, but everyone judges people, even me. But try to get to know people on your own, and always be nice to people no matter what. You don't ever know what's going on with them, and they might not know what's going on with you. But you can change that, and be there to try to help make a day easier, better, and brighter for someone just by saying hi, or asking what's wrong and just listening.

Listen to what they're really saying, if they seem like they're hiding something, try to say maybe I help. And don't interrupt them until they're done, and just try to be gentle and tell them what you think they should do. Everyone needs advice, but they need to ask for it, and have someone willing to listen.

Also we now have a Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/In-the-Shadow-of-Daylight-Blog/120031064836163

and please share with people you know. Thank you!

First Step

I should probably explain why my blog is named “In the Shadows of Daylight”. No one talks about the dark side of being a parent, or the darker side of teen years. I am a teen mom. I got pregnant when I was sixteen by my seventeen year old boyfriend, who ran away from me but later came back. Yes, I’ll get to that later. Yes, we’re still together (not without its challenges, like every relationship). I delivered when I was seventeen. Now at age eighteen, I have post-partum depression. If you don’t know what that is, go look it up in the dictionary, I am not a dictionary.

I kept my beautiful baby girl, who is now ten months old. I used to be fine with touching her when I was breastfeeding and over the summer until school started. I started withdrawing after I got out of the hospital, I’d break down crying when I was away from my baby for longer than an hour. Sometimes I didn’t even make it to half an hour. My wonderful man Jeff (her daddy) tried to take me on a date to Subway and I wound up freaking out in the corner of subway about money and how to take care of our sweetheart.
In the past month, it has done a complete one-eighty. I am afraid of my darling baby girl with huge smiles and hugs for everyone. I cannot touch her without having a panic attack, I want to touch her, but I freak out, I mean, yeah, I love the little sweetie, but hell…I just cannot touch her. I don’t push her away, I just get tense and freak out on Bingo Blitz on Facebook which helps immensely. I have been playing it non-stop for the past two days while trying to figure out how to cope other than bingo.

Sometimes, I can not let my little one go, I’m scared she will run away. (she’s already walking, it’s a legit fear) We already have two kid-gates, and we have them up constantly, the dog now exercises constantly as well between trying to get away from baby and leaping over the gates. I can barely change her diaper, I can’t really give her a bath, and I struggle to feed her (there is NO lack of food for her! Its just me and my battle).
Now, I know what you people are thinking, “That’s what’s wrong with teen parents! Irresponsible! Lazy! Facebook! Abusing their babies!” or something along the lines of “GRAAHHH!!! CPS!!!” (If you don’t know what CPS is…something is wrong with this picture.)

Well I have something to tell you.

Fuck you, old person. I do not abuse my baby. Her dad is the one who takes care of her when I’m having break downs. Don’t like it? Go to a cooking/sewing/house décor/haters of teen parents blog!
My big accomplishment for the day was being able to get my daughter dressed without help, it may sound small…but it was huge, I was so proud of myself. Then she fell and started crying, I freaked out and yelled for Jeff, too scared that I hurt her or that she’ll run from me.

I am not going back to high school this quarter, but I will finish this year, and graduate with my class, it’s going to be a battle, but I will prevail. I want all teen parents to know that its okay to be scared, or be depressed, I’m going through it, but I’m also trying to get better. Somedays I don’t even want to get out of bed because I’m scared of everything. All I wanted to do a while ago, was cuddle with puppies at the humane society, where I found an adorable little one year old griffon puppy named Maddie who had just arrived.

And yes. I asked my parents (begged) and Jeff (he’s a cat person and big dog person) if we could adopt her.

The answer was no. But hey I tried, and I get to volunteer there now and play with the puppies there! One good thing done.

I have never been comfortable around people, I sometimes even freaked on my best friends growing up. But with animals I am fine. This was my therapist’s idea to try to get me to relax since I have always had a knack for writing stories.

No matter what happens to me, I’m going to try to endure for my baby.

Even though I attempted to overdose once, I told my family to lock up all meds in a safe, which might help other people going through depression (ANY FORM OF DEPRESSION!!) and have a family member or trusted person give you what you need to take. You yourself should never have the key, it defeats the purpose.

My name is Kendra, and I am a teen mom, with a strong family and wonderful boyfriend, and beautiful daughter, and this is my blog about being a mom, post-partum depression, and I have no clue what else to put but…I have cookies to eat, and I think I’m good for now.