I finally got my book published. Its on Amazon, Kindle, and Createspace book store site. I'm going to use the money that I recieve to get a place other than my parents' basement, and save for Hazel's college fund. I really am excited to get out into the writing industry(FINALLY!!) and I hope that I can get as much support from everyone as possible! Thank you so much for being so helpful in my journey and for my friends and family for being so great to me in general.
The link to the book: Createspace Estore
Here's the overall summary.
Rowan lives her life, dealing with an abusive controlling boyfriend, and struggling with her issues with the world when Aiden walks into her life. After a wild encounter, she learns she is a princess in a land where fairies rule, and she just became queen.Its a story about teenage struggles, growing up, and loss, along with depression and feelings most teenagers deal with on a daily basis while being placed in another world.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Monday, May 6, 2013
Babies
I don't know if this is just me, or if all new moms have this feeling, but I REALLY want to have another baby. I want another so bad. Today I went to the doctors and I heard a tiny baby squawk and I just had the urge to be a mommy again. Jeff and I have planned to hold off until we're ready, so right now we're loving little Hazel to pieces right now.
I wanted to know if anyone else had these feelings a year or so after they had their first baby. If you have please share in the comments or message me about it. I don't want to be alone in feeling this way. I love babies and I really want another, but Jeff isn't sure if he wants another baby. I grew up as an only child and I honestly always wanted a big family of three or so kids and my husband and me. I hated being an only child, it was boring and I often felt alone, which kind of led to my childhood depression.
Please share your thoughts! It would be so helpful!
I wanted to know if anyone else had these feelings a year or so after they had their first baby. If you have please share in the comments or message me about it. I don't want to be alone in feeling this way. I love babies and I really want another, but Jeff isn't sure if he wants another baby. I grew up as an only child and I honestly always wanted a big family of three or so kids and my husband and me. I hated being an only child, it was boring and I often felt alone, which kind of led to my childhood depression.
Please share your thoughts! It would be so helpful!
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Prom Night/Engagement
Prom came and went in a flash, its hard to believe that it was my last dance. I'm glad I got to spend time with friends and that there was very little drama. Lots of pictures were taken, and I have a lot of wonderful memories with my Jeff and my friends.
Jeff also decided we should go public with our engagement, and it was a good night all in all. Post-Prom was alot of fun, Jeff raced a few of his guy friends and wound up beating them all, each time coming out in a unique way, first time he rolled out and thumped down on the mat, second time he skidded outslipping on the mat, and the third time, he wound up rolling and skidding out.
I also figured out alot more about what was said at my visit at the hospital, and the movie the Lion King, I can't change other people, but I can change how I feel about other people. Basically, hakuna matata. So...I stopped caring about all my lost friendships, and treasure the ones I now have. People who don't want to get to know me, or even try to tough it out, I don't need them. If people have a problem with me, I'm now just going to tell them that they can get over it and that I don't care.
Jeff also decided we should go public with our engagement, and it was a good night all in all. Post-Prom was alot of fun, Jeff raced a few of his guy friends and wound up beating them all, each time coming out in a unique way, first time he rolled out and thumped down on the mat, second time he skidded outslipping on the mat, and the third time, he wound up rolling and skidding out.
I also figured out alot more about what was said at my visit at the hospital, and the movie the Lion King, I can't change other people, but I can change how I feel about other people. Basically, hakuna matata. So...I stopped caring about all my lost friendships, and treasure the ones I now have. People who don't want to get to know me, or even try to tough it out, I don't need them. If people have a problem with me, I'm now just going to tell them that they can get over it and that I don't care.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Rain Rain
Yeah i know creative. Real creative. but hey, i'm feeling a little less "proffesional" today. i just want to act my age a bit. It is almost time for PROM!!! And i am unbelievably excited. I am thrilled to hang out with my friends. and of course Jeff!! Hazel gets to have a dance with daddy this year, and hopefully she won't scream when we leave she's gotten very clingy to Jeff because of her teeth.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Hospital-Psych. Ward
Yes. I was in the psych. ward. No. It was not terrible. It helped me alot. Despite all the odd run ins, it was a very helpful stay and I feel better. Alot better.
My roommate helped me laugh at night. And we're going to keep in touch. I just want to say a few words about depression.
Depression is an ILLNESS, and its up to you to take hold of it. You have to be willing to accept it, and be able to seek help when its time for others to help you. Sometimes you can do it alone, but sometimes you can't. There is no shame in asking for help. If you think you need help, don't be afraid to ask. There are people out there who truly want to help.
My roommate helped me laugh at night. And we're going to keep in touch. I just want to say a few words about depression.
Depression is an ILLNESS, and its up to you to take hold of it. You have to be willing to accept it, and be able to seek help when its time for others to help you. Sometimes you can do it alone, but sometimes you can't. There is no shame in asking for help. If you think you need help, don't be afraid to ask. There are people out there who truly want to help.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Easter
Its almost been two years since Jeff and I started dating, and it feels even longer. I know it may sound cliche but Easter is all about new beginnings and that's how our relationship is. Its hard to explain, but Jeff has been the best change in my life. He's also the one choice that I can never regret for all the joy he's given me, even through all the troubles, everything has been a challenge and we've helped each other through it.
Now, as we close in on our two year anniversary, I wanted everyone to see that love is hard to find, but you need to hold onto it with everything you have.
Now, as we close in on our two year anniversary, I wanted everyone to see that love is hard to find, but you need to hold onto it with everything you have.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Impending Graduation
This is to all the future high school graduates out there.
It's exciting at first, being the big dogs in the school, but as the year goes on, fear starts to settle in, and nerves kick in. You're scared of what the future holds, for the past 13 years you've had something to wake up to each year, though you may have loved it, hated it, dreaded it, it was something that was stable, constant, and unchanging but everchanging as we grew older.
Now that the end is near, knowing that you won't have something to wake up to anymore, that you won't have your friends to surround you each day, it's hard to handle. I know. I'm right there while I'm typing it. Believe me, it's rough, and its hard to handle on your own, but this is what they call growing up.
Growing up...is doing this on your own. Walking across that stage, you may believe you're not ready, but that's what makes you so ready to cross that point in time, you're ready, and now that time has come.
You won't always have your friends crowding you, friends will change as time passes, you may wish for your highschool days back, but that's all they will be. Wishes.
So treasure each moment, and make as many memories while you can, learn what you can while you're still in school, let yourself grow in this year, leave the drama alone...its not worth it.
This is your final year, take it by storm.
It's exciting at first, being the big dogs in the school, but as the year goes on, fear starts to settle in, and nerves kick in. You're scared of what the future holds, for the past 13 years you've had something to wake up to each year, though you may have loved it, hated it, dreaded it, it was something that was stable, constant, and unchanging but everchanging as we grew older.
Now that the end is near, knowing that you won't have something to wake up to anymore, that you won't have your friends to surround you each day, it's hard to handle. I know. I'm right there while I'm typing it. Believe me, it's rough, and its hard to handle on your own, but this is what they call growing up.
Growing up...is doing this on your own. Walking across that stage, you may believe you're not ready, but that's what makes you so ready to cross that point in time, you're ready, and now that time has come.
You won't always have your friends crowding you, friends will change as time passes, you may wish for your highschool days back, but that's all they will be. Wishes.
So treasure each moment, and make as many memories while you can, learn what you can while you're still in school, let yourself grow in this year, leave the drama alone...its not worth it.
This is your final year, take it by storm.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Love with Challenges
Jeff and I aren't perfect. We'll be the first people to admit that. We bicker, but we make up for everything by how we care about each other. Everyday is a challenge, and we accept that. Love isn't a cake walk, it's a challenge to show the world that there is someone out there that can drive you crazy, make you mad, and be your other half all at the same time, despite differences that exist between two people.
I love Jeff, and I know he loves me. He doesn't need to say it, but I know he does. I know I'm a grouchy, mean-spirited girl, but he brings out the side of me that I keep hidden. Its the side when I cry, laugh, and cuddle, and I never want to leave his side, it makes me so happy to know that I found the love of my life, and he's perfect to me, despite all the little pet peeves about him, I wouldn't want him any other way.
That's how love should be. I challenge everyone in the world to find a love like that, where its not who has given up more for the other, its about the time you spend together, and how you feel around them.
Love is about the feeling you're consumed with when you see them. That is love, when you can't imagine life without them.
I love Jeff, and I know he loves me. He doesn't need to say it, but I know he does. I know I'm a grouchy, mean-spirited girl, but he brings out the side of me that I keep hidden. Its the side when I cry, laugh, and cuddle, and I never want to leave his side, it makes me so happy to know that I found the love of my life, and he's perfect to me, despite all the little pet peeves about him, I wouldn't want him any other way.
That's how love should be. I challenge everyone in the world to find a love like that, where its not who has given up more for the other, its about the time you spend together, and how you feel around them.
Love is about the feeling you're consumed with when you see them. That is love, when you can't imagine life without them.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Colors
I know this may seem like a strange thing, but when I meet people, I smell them and try to find a color to suit their smell. When I decide on a color that determines whether or not I'm "compatible" with them as a friend. Hazel is a soft purple-lavender, and I can't get enough of her smell, so when I miss her, I will smell her favorite blanket (creepy i know, but hey it was originally was my Christmas present this year!! i just let her have it because she loved it.) to keep me calm.
When I first met Jeff, I told him his color when I hugged him. I kind of blurted it out, "Purple, you smell like purple." and that earned me the title of being his weird girlfriend later on. BUT lately...his color has changed ever so slightly from a vibrant purple to now more like a deeper darker purple. and kind of dulled. I guess that just means he's matured. Julia has a color, it's periwinkle. Kelsey has a color, it's a purple and pink mixture. My friend Twiggit was a vibrant Irish green.
Colors mean a lot to me, and so do the people who smell like them. I know it sounds weird, but knowing that colors don't change when the people take a step back from me. I know that if they ever want to be friends again, that nothing will really have changed.
When I first met Jeff, I told him his color when I hugged him. I kind of blurted it out, "Purple, you smell like purple." and that earned me the title of being his weird girlfriend later on. BUT lately...his color has changed ever so slightly from a vibrant purple to now more like a deeper darker purple. and kind of dulled. I guess that just means he's matured. Julia has a color, it's periwinkle. Kelsey has a color, it's a purple and pink mixture. My friend Twiggit was a vibrant Irish green.
Colors mean a lot to me, and so do the people who smell like them. I know it sounds weird, but knowing that colors don't change when the people take a step back from me. I know that if they ever want to be friends again, that nothing will really have changed.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Back to School
Tomorrow, I return to high school and finish my final quarter. I am both nervous and excited to know this has finally come. I just hope I can deal with the pressures of being back, and with handling being around other people. I know I can succeed, but I also know that I will be challenged to complete all my courses in order to walk across the stage in May.
If you're just now tuning into my blog, I am a new mom, who is suffering from post-partum depression and post-partum anxiety, along with post traumatic stress disorder. I had to take the past quarter of school off so that I could focus on my recovering. I have accomplished alot.
If you're just now tuning into my blog, I am a new mom, who is suffering from post-partum depression and post-partum anxiety, along with post traumatic stress disorder. I had to take the past quarter of school off so that I could focus on my recovering. I have accomplished alot.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Publish
Well, I decided that I will self publish my books. I'm just hoping that I can receive as much support in my writing books as my blog and in my recovery.
My book is about two teenagers in a new world that one of them knew existed and the other didn't know about it, but was meant to rule it. Its based off my emotions from the past year and how I wish I could be (how I used to be). I incorporate several thoughts and emotions a teenager faces when dealing with something new. I try to keep it light and funny, while still having serious moments in between all the interacting characters, and I involve the environment as much as possible.
I'll update when it will go on sale on amazon, and let everyone know, so if you want to support me, please buy my book when it is on the market.
My book is about two teenagers in a new world that one of them knew existed and the other didn't know about it, but was meant to rule it. Its based off my emotions from the past year and how I wish I could be (how I used to be). I incorporate several thoughts and emotions a teenager faces when dealing with something new. I try to keep it light and funny, while still having serious moments in between all the interacting characters, and I involve the environment as much as possible.
I'll update when it will go on sale on amazon, and let everyone know, so if you want to support me, please buy my book when it is on the market.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Looking Ahead
Well as Hazel's first year comes to a close, I'm left looking forward to the rest, and patiently waiting for depression to loosen its hold on my life. I wish that I could be a stay at home mom, and help my daughter grow and become a caring,sensitive member in our family and community. But I know I have to get a job, and help to provide for her, and let her find out how to be a caring person from examples around her, and the values we instill in her even when she's barely walking.
I had to cut back on my Trazodone, which my therapist told me was a horse sedative that is being over prescribed and it takes a harder toll on the human body. The side effects are; memory loss, vomiting/nausea, irregular heart beat, heavy chest, breathing problems, muscle aches/stiff muscles, and several others. I suggest you do your research on medication before you say okay to the doctor, you all have smartphones probably, so you should be able to look it up.
I needed to get that out of the way so now I can tell you what's been going on.
My mom and I went shopping for Hazel's birthday party last night and somehow we wound up in the baby department looking at clothes. We found some preemie clothes and we both almost started crying over how big she's gotten in the past year. She's on whole milk now, and she's a little milk monster. We spent a lot of the night talking because Hazel had her super-special birthday sleepover with Grandpa John, and it gave us time to think back to how it was. Its hard to believe we came from this
to this
I had to cut back on my Trazodone, which my therapist told me was a horse sedative that is being over prescribed and it takes a harder toll on the human body. The side effects are; memory loss, vomiting/nausea, irregular heart beat, heavy chest, breathing problems, muscle aches/stiff muscles, and several others. I suggest you do your research on medication before you say okay to the doctor, you all have smartphones probably, so you should be able to look it up.
I needed to get that out of the way so now I can tell you what's been going on.
My mom and I went shopping for Hazel's birthday party last night and somehow we wound up in the baby department looking at clothes. We found some preemie clothes and we both almost started crying over how big she's gotten in the past year. She's on whole milk now, and she's a little milk monster. We spent a lot of the night talking because Hazel had her super-special birthday sleepover with Grandpa John, and it gave us time to think back to how it was. Its hard to believe we came from this
to this
and finally to this
And her smile grows with her, making her even more beautiful every day as she finds the happiness in family.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Birthday Time!
Well now I get to put all my excitement into a post. My daughter's birthday is coming up and this week I'm planning her birthday. I'm planning a "Duckie" themed party and we ordered her personal cake already. I'm so thrilled! I think that she'll have fun, Jeff is going to make her breakfast for her and wake her up. Its hard to believe she's going to be a year old....
On a more disappointing note, Jeff told me he only wants one baby. I want to have lots of kids. like maybe three, but...I know that won't happen...oh well....
I just hope everything works out....I love my family...but I want a big family.
On a more disappointing note, Jeff told me he only wants one baby. I want to have lots of kids. like maybe three, but...I know that won't happen...oh well....
I just hope everything works out....I love my family...but I want a big family.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Obsession: Pregnancy
For the past month I have been obsessed with pregnancy, and babies.
I keep wanting to get pregnant again, maybe in the back of my mind I think I could make up for everything with my PP-crap with a new baby. But then I also feel like I just want a bigger family. I don't know if this comes with Post-Partum, but it has been on my mind alot. I even want to go through labor again.
I see other babies and I just really want to cuddle them and my little girl and have another baby. I told Jeff today and he let me cry out my frustrations, I'm not going to get pregnant. At least not for a while. Jeff has been great with me, so I have to just say I love him to no end, he's so supportive of me in my recovery, and I love him for being so understanding.
I also love my mom for always supporting my writing, I'm super excited for this week, because Jeff is typing up the first book in my series, and I'm going to try to find a literary agent next, then a publisher. I'm so glad for all the support from my friends, and my family for their support throughout the years. I hope that those of you who read my blog, have faith to help me along in my future decisions of my life.
As always, thank you for taking the time to read my blog, and please do follow me on Facebook. I thank you all so much.
I keep wanting to get pregnant again, maybe in the back of my mind I think I could make up for everything with my PP-crap with a new baby. But then I also feel like I just want a bigger family. I don't know if this comes with Post-Partum, but it has been on my mind alot. I even want to go through labor again.
I see other babies and I just really want to cuddle them and my little girl and have another baby. I told Jeff today and he let me cry out my frustrations, I'm not going to get pregnant. At least not for a while. Jeff has been great with me, so I have to just say I love him to no end, he's so supportive of me in my recovery, and I love him for being so understanding.
I also love my mom for always supporting my writing, I'm super excited for this week, because Jeff is typing up the first book in my series, and I'm going to try to find a literary agent next, then a publisher. I'm so glad for all the support from my friends, and my family for their support throughout the years. I hope that those of you who read my blog, have faith to help me along in my future decisions of my life.
As always, thank you for taking the time to read my blog, and please do follow me on Facebook. I thank you all so much.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Massaging the Past
I'm still trying to forgive my grandma, but its hard to. Today I'm going to get a massage, so maybe during that time I can try to think about what she said and what she did.
In the past few days, I've been "massaging" my past, thinking back to when I was pregnant, and thinking about how I changed and how people treated me. I was isolated alot then too. But I still had friends. I'm starting to relax more, and think about what I say and do before I act. I spend a lot more time with Hazel now that I feel comfortable about how I'm feeling, most of the time.
Dixie might have to leave the house, because of how she acts towards Hazel, but my cousin Angel said she'd try to convince her parents to take Dixie in even with their two big dogs. The tension in the house is sort of relaxing, but we still have moments. I'm glad to say that I'm starting to feel normal again.
I still have some trouble with my emotions sometimes but that's getting to be easier to handle as well, its just other people that confuse me anymore.
I'm trying to sort out my own feelings so that I can possibly begin writing my book again. I'm now considering just combining the two books to make it flow better, but I'm starting to think that I might just need to do some editing in the first book to make my story in the second book will be better understood. Writing this story in my head has really helped me put my emotions down into events in a book, where I can't be in trouble. It helps me relax and calm down.
In the past few days, I've been "massaging" my past, thinking back to when I was pregnant, and thinking about how I changed and how people treated me. I was isolated alot then too. But I still had friends. I'm starting to relax more, and think about what I say and do before I act. I spend a lot more time with Hazel now that I feel comfortable about how I'm feeling, most of the time.
Dixie might have to leave the house, because of how she acts towards Hazel, but my cousin Angel said she'd try to convince her parents to take Dixie in even with their two big dogs. The tension in the house is sort of relaxing, but we still have moments. I'm glad to say that I'm starting to feel normal again.
I still have some trouble with my emotions sometimes but that's getting to be easier to handle as well, its just other people that confuse me anymore.
I'm trying to sort out my own feelings so that I can possibly begin writing my book again. I'm now considering just combining the two books to make it flow better, but I'm starting to think that I might just need to do some editing in the first book to make my story in the second book will be better understood. Writing this story in my head has really helped me put my emotions down into events in a book, where I can't be in trouble. It helps me relax and calm down.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Erotophobia
Erotophobia, the fear of sex.
That is one of my problems with my anxiety. When I was about 2-3 months pregnant, I was raped, I'm not going into details or names, but I'm just explaining my fear here. Since then, I have had trouble relaxing enough to have a few moments with Jeff, before I make up some lame excuse to stop. I have been scared, like I have no control in my sexual relationship with him, I feel weak, and not as strong as other girls.
I want to feel safe in my relationship, but most of this must start in the bedroom, I need to feel that I have power and choices in the bedroom, not just Jeff. I love him, he doesn't hurt me. I just am scared. I am trying to feel more powerful. Last night was a good first try.
EXCUSE ME IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MY SEXLIFE AND STRUGGLES WITH MY SELF CONFIDENCE AND BETTERING MYSELF, PLEASE EXIT THIS BLOG. THANK YOU.
I am trying to do this for me, and no one else. I am trying to make me feel better about myself. Thank you for reading this and helping me with kind words and keeping close watch on my blog. I do appreciate it.
That is one of my problems with my anxiety. When I was about 2-3 months pregnant, I was raped, I'm not going into details or names, but I'm just explaining my fear here. Since then, I have had trouble relaxing enough to have a few moments with Jeff, before I make up some lame excuse to stop. I have been scared, like I have no control in my sexual relationship with him, I feel weak, and not as strong as other girls.
I want to feel safe in my relationship, but most of this must start in the bedroom, I need to feel that I have power and choices in the bedroom, not just Jeff. I love him, he doesn't hurt me. I just am scared. I am trying to feel more powerful. Last night was a good first try.
EXCUSE ME IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MY SEXLIFE AND STRUGGLES WITH MY SELF CONFIDENCE AND BETTERING MYSELF, PLEASE EXIT THIS BLOG. THANK YOU.
I am trying to do this for me, and no one else. I am trying to make me feel better about myself. Thank you for reading this and helping me with kind words and keeping close watch on my blog. I do appreciate it.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Long Road Taken
Well, after a rough time on Valentine's Day (due to some nasty comments about my character, and my mental health by an outside party), I got to talk and hang out with a very close friend, who i thought I had lost. I'm happy to say that she and I are back to how things used to be. I have Jeff to thank for talking to her.
I managed to cling onto a copy of Hotel Transylvania. I'm trying to be a little more outgoing, but I regressed alot more, because of the nasty comments. I tried to be strong, but I just got exhausted from everything, so this weekend I've been trying to relax, not easy to do with a lot of pain in my leg and stomach.
While I try to recover, I just want to thank the people in my life, first of all...Jeff. Thank you so much, for everything you do. You hold me up and you let me cry on your shoulder, even when I panic. I love you, and I need you more than you know.
Second, Hazel, my sweetie, my cutie, and my little ray of sunshine, for always being able to make me grin, no matter what, I always want to snuggle you, and cuddle you. I just love your beautiful smile and tiny feet and gentle but strong fingers.
Thirdly, my mom, for being able to understand my life, and always wanting to help me move forward from what i'm going through. I love you so much, and I know that you don't like how the kitchen is sometimes, but I do love you, and I just want you to know that.
My friends, Kelsey, Kellie, Dani, Andrew, and Julia, thank you for all the constant support and love that you give me each and everyday with all the smilies, smiles, laughs, and over excited conversations we have when we have soda and have way too many ideas in our heads.
And thank you, to everyone who reads this. It means a lot to me to know that you care enough to take the time to read my blog. So...thank you.
I managed to cling onto a copy of Hotel Transylvania. I'm trying to be a little more outgoing, but I regressed alot more, because of the nasty comments. I tried to be strong, but I just got exhausted from everything, so this weekend I've been trying to relax, not easy to do with a lot of pain in my leg and stomach.
While I try to recover, I just want to thank the people in my life, first of all...Jeff. Thank you so much, for everything you do. You hold me up and you let me cry on your shoulder, even when I panic. I love you, and I need you more than you know.
Second, Hazel, my sweetie, my cutie, and my little ray of sunshine, for always being able to make me grin, no matter what, I always want to snuggle you, and cuddle you. I just love your beautiful smile and tiny feet and gentle but strong fingers.
Thirdly, my mom, for being able to understand my life, and always wanting to help me move forward from what i'm going through. I love you so much, and I know that you don't like how the kitchen is sometimes, but I do love you, and I just want you to know that.
My friends, Kelsey, Kellie, Dani, Andrew, and Julia, thank you for all the constant support and love that you give me each and everyday with all the smilies, smiles, laughs, and over excited conversations we have when we have soda and have way too many ideas in our heads.
And thank you, to everyone who reads this. It means a lot to me to know that you care enough to take the time to read my blog. So...thank you.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Valentine's Day
I am actually looking forward to tomorrow. Jeff has somethings planned for our family and ourselves for the evening. Hazel loves her giant stuffed bear that Jeff and I found at Wal-mart for her.
Tomorrow morning Hazel is spending time with us, and we're all going to play, as a family.
Now, Jeff has me excited and nervous for the evening, I don't know what we're doing.
Tomorrow morning Hazel is spending time with us, and we're all going to play, as a family.
Now, Jeff has me excited and nervous for the evening, I don't know what we're doing.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
For My Zing
Well, this week has come so fast. Its nearly Valentine's Day, and as it approaches, I am getting anxious, nervous and worried. Why? Because I'm scared Jeff will pull away. Last night, I could not fall asleep until I was holding his hand and laying on his chest, and I did NOT want him to move, he barely got to go to the kitchen for a bowl of cereal, because I was scared he was going to run away.
I love him, but alot of our little fights happen because I'm scared of losing him, or of him leaving me because he'll realize I'm just a touch screwy in the head. He continually tells me he knows that I'm screwy, but that I'm just weird, and that's what he loves about me. I call myself crazy and he tells me I'm not, and that he loves me.
He means so much to me...He is my life preserver, my rock, my love, and my other half. I do not know what I would do without him. He is always going to be my safe place to hide in when I need to.
So, I dedicate this blog post to him. We may have our fights, we may have our struggles, we may disagree on movies every time we go to the movie store, we may not like each others' video games, but...I will always love you, you are always in my heart. Forever. You are my Zing.
I love him, but alot of our little fights happen because I'm scared of losing him, or of him leaving me because he'll realize I'm just a touch screwy in the head. He continually tells me he knows that I'm screwy, but that I'm just weird, and that's what he loves about me. I call myself crazy and he tells me I'm not, and that he loves me.
He means so much to me...He is my life preserver, my rock, my love, and my other half. I do not know what I would do without him. He is always going to be my safe place to hide in when I need to.
So, I dedicate this blog post to him. We may have our fights, we may have our struggles, we may disagree on movies every time we go to the movie store, we may not like each others' video games, but...I will always love you, you are always in my heart. Forever. You are my Zing.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
What Hurts The Most
I'm a young mom, as you know. And I was talking to another young mom friend I have named Ashley. She is experiencing the same anger and frustrations I am having. Our babies were born a few months apart, and right now we're both mad.
We're mad that no one calls or messages just to check up. Hey, hello? Yeah, hi. WE'RE STILL PEOPLE HERE WE JUST HAVE KIDS!! I am so ready to scream at everyone and just freak out because with all the hints and shit, NO ONE CALLS! I try to be nice, and I try to hold it in.
Oh? You say YOU"RE busy? You were never busy before! I am so angry with all the people who used to talk to me, because you all don't even seem to care, do you even think about me? I helped you so much in the past and when I need some help, NO ONE IS THERE (except Jeff, but he doesn't count because he hasn't abandoned me and Hazel!)
I reach out. I try to grab your attention, and I get nothing. Soon, I WILL clean out my friends list. I have tried, but you don't even seem to consider me human.
So, if you actually do care, prove it. Just prove it, I don't care if you have to walk up to my front door and tell me you're sorry, I want some proof.
If you don't, go ahead and remove me, I have tried.
Thank you for your consideration,
Kendra
Facebook Fan Page
We're mad that no one calls or messages just to check up. Hey, hello? Yeah, hi. WE'RE STILL PEOPLE HERE WE JUST HAVE KIDS!! I am so ready to scream at everyone and just freak out because with all the hints and shit, NO ONE CALLS! I try to be nice, and I try to hold it in.
Oh? You say YOU"RE busy? You were never busy before! I am so angry with all the people who used to talk to me, because you all don't even seem to care, do you even think about me? I helped you so much in the past and when I need some help, NO ONE IS THERE (except Jeff, but he doesn't count because he hasn't abandoned me and Hazel!)
I reach out. I try to grab your attention, and I get nothing. Soon, I WILL clean out my friends list. I have tried, but you don't even seem to consider me human.
So, if you actually do care, prove it. Just prove it, I don't care if you have to walk up to my front door and tell me you're sorry, I want some proof.
If you don't, go ahead and remove me, I have tried.
Thank you for your consideration,
Kendra
Facebook Fan Page
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Torn Up
We might be giving away our dog Dixie. Its gotten to the point where I'm scared of the dog, and the dog growls at me and Hazel. She tried to bite me today, so its not been a good day. I took a nice relaxing bath, but I still have a throbbing headache. I've been crying like crazy because i'll be going dogless for a while...
And I can barely survive without dogs. It stresses me out and I get very depressed. I try to be okay, and i just explode with emotion. I can't contain myself around dogs....I'm going to miss my dog...
And I can barely survive without dogs. It stresses me out and I get very depressed. I try to be okay, and i just explode with emotion. I can't contain myself around dogs....I'm going to miss my dog...
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Another Way
I love writing, and I feel like I'm almost ready to write books and poems again. I'm almost ready to go out in public again...I'm starting to meet new people on bingo blitz. And I did thank my English teacher today, now comes the struggles of adding her on Facebook. I really think that my blog is confusing people, but I'm really just talking about how I feel about things, and whats bugging me.
Rude people bug me. Cold things bug me. Cold pop bugs me.
And often times stupid people bug me.
I try to be honest on here, unlike how I am in person....I try not to hurt people's feelings in person, but the one person i know I can be honest with is Jeff. I can always talk to him, but sometimes I just want to shout out all my frustrations, and annoyances to the world. So that's what you guys read this for. and this is my attempt at being funny.
You can laugh anytime now.
I take things very serious. I rarely see the funny side in a baby falling in dog shit. the first thing that comes to mind for me; "OHMYGOD WHAT ABOUT THE CLOTHES?! AND THE BABY IS GONNA CRY!! STOP IT!!!" Don't laugh. That's seriously what I thought when I saw that video. Not funny.
I am now very clingy to my daughter, I don't want to let her go. She's my little cute sweetie.
Rude people bug me. Cold things bug me. Cold pop bugs me.
And often times stupid people bug me.
I try to be honest on here, unlike how I am in person....I try not to hurt people's feelings in person, but the one person i know I can be honest with is Jeff. I can always talk to him, but sometimes I just want to shout out all my frustrations, and annoyances to the world. So that's what you guys read this for. and this is my attempt at being funny.
You can laugh anytime now.
I take things very serious. I rarely see the funny side in a baby falling in dog shit. the first thing that comes to mind for me; "OHMYGOD WHAT ABOUT THE CLOTHES?! AND THE BABY IS GONNA CRY!! STOP IT!!!" Don't laugh. That's seriously what I thought when I saw that video. Not funny.
I am now very clingy to my daughter, I don't want to let her go. She's my little cute sweetie.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Thinking Back
When I was younger, I was the kind of girl who didn't like to hang around with other girls. I was the girl who always wore t-shirts, jeans/shorts, and worn out muddy dirty sneakers. I didn't like long hair, and if I had long hair, I had it up in a ponytail.
I didn't like to hang around with girls because...they were mean, and...they just pissed me off. I selected a few girls I did hang out with, and we pretty much played Pokemon in the field, (with the bees), just to get away from all the mean kids that were at our school.
I'm not going to lie, I was a mean little girl, I did NOT like people who talked bad about me, judged me, or just...tried to take me down. Well...I usually took care of that physically.
When middle school came, I started falling into depression more than when I was in elementary school. I didn't feel welcomed by my guy friends once school started, except one, (Thanks Seb!) and I had to make more girl friends.
Our middle school may claim to be a "NO BULLYING ZONE". But they didn't really do anything when the teachers did see it. A lot of my teachers in my sixth grade year actually made me even more depressed and I skipped school because I didn't feel welcomed by my TEACHERS. But one of the teachers I will never forget is Mrs. Mackenzie. She was great, she got me interested in English, which has not suffered at all from my recent struggles, and I really should call her tomorrow to say thank you to her.
What I'm trying to point out is, even if kids look confident, strong and stubborn in their ways, they might just be doing it so you don't worry, I came out because I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So, please, think before you speak, it might have a larger impact on a child than you will ever know.
Please share with friends and family, and my challenge to you: TALK TO YOUR KIDS OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD OR HOW THEY'RE FEELING AND HAVE AN IN DEPTH CONVERSATION.
Facebook Fanpage: https://www.facebook.com/pages/In-the-Shadow-of-Daylight-Blog/120031064836163
I didn't like to hang around with girls because...they were mean, and...they just pissed me off. I selected a few girls I did hang out with, and we pretty much played Pokemon in the field, (with the bees), just to get away from all the mean kids that were at our school.
I'm not going to lie, I was a mean little girl, I did NOT like people who talked bad about me, judged me, or just...tried to take me down. Well...I usually took care of that physically.
When middle school came, I started falling into depression more than when I was in elementary school. I didn't feel welcomed by my guy friends once school started, except one, (Thanks Seb!) and I had to make more girl friends.
Our middle school may claim to be a "NO BULLYING ZONE". But they didn't really do anything when the teachers did see it. A lot of my teachers in my sixth grade year actually made me even more depressed and I skipped school because I didn't feel welcomed by my TEACHERS. But one of the teachers I will never forget is Mrs. Mackenzie. She was great, she got me interested in English, which has not suffered at all from my recent struggles, and I really should call her tomorrow to say thank you to her.
What I'm trying to point out is, even if kids look confident, strong and stubborn in their ways, they might just be doing it so you don't worry, I came out because I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So, please, think before you speak, it might have a larger impact on a child than you will ever know.
Please share with friends and family, and my challenge to you: TALK TO YOUR KIDS OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD OR HOW THEY'RE FEELING AND HAVE AN IN DEPTH CONVERSATION.
Facebook Fanpage: https://www.facebook.com/pages/In-the-Shadow-of-Daylight-Blog/120031064836163
Sunday, February 3, 2013
A Fun Way to Race
As today started, Jeff and I both woke up from nightmares, mine involving vampires trying to kill my baby, and Jeff's...that's his business. After I saw Hazel sleeping happily upstairs, I took a shower and got ready before grabbing my girlie Julia for our group date with Jeff and Andrew.
We all had a wonderful day, and had so much fun, thanks to The Amazing Pizza Machine and bad drivers causing Jeff's comical road-rage rant of curses. Getting out with a group of people helped ease my feelings about being out of the house, and I really enjoyed myself, even though I didn't get to beat anyone at Go-Karts, or Bumper Cars. I at least scored the most at Ice-Ball and Julia and I both got Hazel a princess crown for her to wear on her birthday which is getting closer everyday.
I left the Pizza Machine with a great big stupid fat grin on my face and I felt like a million bucks.
So...this week(WHOLE WEEK) I want you to try to have fun with anything and everything you do. Do it with a smile! Be nice! Laugh!
We all had a wonderful day, and had so much fun, thanks to The Amazing Pizza Machine and bad drivers causing Jeff's comical road-rage rant of curses. Getting out with a group of people helped ease my feelings about being out of the house, and I really enjoyed myself, even though I didn't get to beat anyone at Go-Karts, or Bumper Cars. I at least scored the most at Ice-Ball and Julia and I both got Hazel a princess crown for her to wear on her birthday which is getting closer everyday.
I left the Pizza Machine with a great big stupid fat grin on my face and I felt like a million bucks.
So...this week(WHOLE WEEK) I want you to try to have fun with anything and everything you do. Do it with a smile! Be nice! Laugh!
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Outside and....shopping.
I'm a mom, but I'm still a girl. So I finally got the guts to go shopping, and found a little too much, but that's fine, I've trimmed down alot since i gave birth and I needed new clothes (I finally fit into size fours-with room to spare!) I wasn't as anxious shopping in the mall and other stores, than waiting to go shopping.
I did have a great day out, left home around 11 A.M. and got home around 7 P.M. I even managed to put together an outfit for under $50 from Kohl's, and Wet Seal. I'll show a picture tomorrow probably this is going to be a short one.
And the little girl inside me came out to play when I found glow in the dark neon green nail polish at Claire's.
Shopping is therapy for girls, we just need a splurge every once in a while.
I did have a great day out, left home around 11 A.M. and got home around 7 P.M. I even managed to put together an outfit for under $50 from Kohl's, and Wet Seal. I'll show a picture tomorrow probably this is going to be a short one.
And the little girl inside me came out to play when I found glow in the dark neon green nail polish at Claire's.
Shopping is therapy for girls, we just need a splurge every once in a while.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Something Great and Something Wonderful
Today, I woke up, ate some cookies and actually got dressed.
I put on a fitted t-shirt, and a white fashion hoodie, and my smooth black jeans. I also brushed my hair, and put on some light make up, mostly around my eyes and lips, with no foundation. And I felt beautiful. I still do. I feel wonderful.
We took Hazel out to her doctor's appointment, yes I went outside! And I liked it, despite it being below zero.
Hazel went to her grandpa's for a while and when Jeff and I got home, we were hugging and talking. I looked down at my stomach as he unzipped my coat, and said, "I'm fat." and smacked my baby belly fat.
He pulled off my coat, and said, "No you are not, you are much more beautiful than when i met you, you look healthy, not anarexic. I like you this way. I love you this way."
And it made me feel so much happier and I felt like some of my sadness was going away.
So...my challenge for you: FIND SOMETHING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF AND TRY TO TAKE CARE OF IT, AND LET THAT PART OF TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF SPREAD INTO THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND BODY! WE OWE IT TO OURSELVES TO DO THIS. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SKINNY TO BE BEAUTIFUL!
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Please share with friends and family! Thank you!
I put on a fitted t-shirt, and a white fashion hoodie, and my smooth black jeans. I also brushed my hair, and put on some light make up, mostly around my eyes and lips, with no foundation. And I felt beautiful. I still do. I feel wonderful.
We took Hazel out to her doctor's appointment, yes I went outside! And I liked it, despite it being below zero.
Hazel went to her grandpa's for a while and when Jeff and I got home, we were hugging and talking. I looked down at my stomach as he unzipped my coat, and said, "I'm fat." and smacked my baby belly fat.
He pulled off my coat, and said, "No you are not, you are much more beautiful than when i met you, you look healthy, not anarexic. I like you this way. I love you this way."
And it made me feel so much happier and I felt like some of my sadness was going away.
So...my challenge for you: FIND SOMETHING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF AND TRY TO TAKE CARE OF IT, AND LET THAT PART OF TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF SPREAD INTO THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND BODY! WE OWE IT TO OURSELVES TO DO THIS. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SKINNY TO BE BEAUTIFUL!
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Please share with friends and family! Thank you!
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Panic Attacks
I wanted to explain why panic attacks are scary, and why they hurt.
When I have a panic attack, my heart starts racing and my body locks up. I breathe really fast, and I get very defensive. I'm often in the state of mind of thinking everyone is trying to steal my daughter or take me to a hospital, or even just wanting to hurt me for fun. I get very nervous and want to take Hazel to the basement and curl up in a blanket and protect her.
The panic attacks hurt because of how tense I get, my muscles get stiff and knotted up because of it. I find it hard to relax, but I have heard exercise is good for anxiety attacks, and that it helps overall with mental health. I'm going to try to exercise more, Jeff and I have already promised to start walking every day that there's nice weather.
I also plan on trying to play tennis again, and ride my bike more often. I've also found that mud masks really help relax me after a long day, and that green tea bubble baths that are warm help loosen my muscles. I'm also trying to figure out a way to help my skin some more because I have stress acne, and its a pet peeve of mine. I don't like my skin that much, but I won't torch it in a tanning bed.
So my challenge for you: FIND A WAY TO RELAX AND START EXERCISING, EVEN IF ITS A FIFTEEN MINUTE JOG! JUST HAVE FUN WITH IT!
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Please share my blog with your family and friends if you like it.
When I have a panic attack, my heart starts racing and my body locks up. I breathe really fast, and I get very defensive. I'm often in the state of mind of thinking everyone is trying to steal my daughter or take me to a hospital, or even just wanting to hurt me for fun. I get very nervous and want to take Hazel to the basement and curl up in a blanket and protect her.
The panic attacks hurt because of how tense I get, my muscles get stiff and knotted up because of it. I find it hard to relax, but I have heard exercise is good for anxiety attacks, and that it helps overall with mental health. I'm going to try to exercise more, Jeff and I have already promised to start walking every day that there's nice weather.
I also plan on trying to play tennis again, and ride my bike more often. I've also found that mud masks really help relax me after a long day, and that green tea bubble baths that are warm help loosen my muscles. I'm also trying to figure out a way to help my skin some more because I have stress acne, and its a pet peeve of mine. I don't like my skin that much, but I won't torch it in a tanning bed.
So my challenge for you: FIND A WAY TO RELAX AND START EXERCISING, EVEN IF ITS A FIFTEEN MINUTE JOG! JUST HAVE FUN WITH IT!
Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/In-the-Shadow-of-Daylight-Blog/120031064836163
Please share my blog with your family and friends if you like it.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Love in My Arms
Hazel came home today from the house being quarantined from her because we all were sick.
As soon as I saw her I was down on the floor hugging her and playing with her. I missed her little arms flapping around, and her big infectious smile and her bright blue eyes.
She was so happy but so tired. I love her, and I'm starting to relax about her. I touch her now, and sometimes I don't even want to let go. I love her so much. So now I'm trying to reach out into the community. I'm going on more dates with Jeff and Hazel, and our friends. I'm trying and starting to feel a bit better outside of the basement and house. I'm trying to help people again. And I'm trying to be helpful to my close friends. You know who you are.
I want to help them see clearly again...and see what they need.
So...my challenge: DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE, WHETHER ITS JUST LISTENING AND GIVING ADVICE, OR JUST TAKING A STEP BACK AND HAVING A CONVERSATION!
Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/In-the-Shadow-of-Daylight-Blog/120031064836163
As soon as I saw her I was down on the floor hugging her and playing with her. I missed her little arms flapping around, and her big infectious smile and her bright blue eyes.
She was so happy but so tired. I love her, and I'm starting to relax about her. I touch her now, and sometimes I don't even want to let go. I love her so much. So now I'm trying to reach out into the community. I'm going on more dates with Jeff and Hazel, and our friends. I'm trying and starting to feel a bit better outside of the basement and house. I'm trying to help people again. And I'm trying to be helpful to my close friends. You know who you are.
I want to help them see clearly again...and see what they need.
So...my challenge: DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE, WHETHER ITS JUST LISTENING AND GIVING ADVICE, OR JUST TAKING A STEP BACK AND HAVING A CONVERSATION!
Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/In-the-Shadow-of-Daylight-Blog/120031064836163
Monday, January 28, 2013
Sickness and Gatorade
While you may find this one to be very odd, I'm trying to get over the stomach flu, as is Jeff, and my mom....thank you babygirl for sharing. She's so darn cute when she's sick, and she gets very very cuddly with people, and its hard not to cuddle her. That is the reason we're sick.
My weekend went well, up until last night. But I managed to give Hazel two naps yesterday, each of them about 3 hours long. And the first one was a family nap with Jeff and Hazel. We had a pretty good time.
I think if you start getting sick....get gatorade. a large thing of it...it helps so much. That and warm jello stops puking. I'll have more to write about tomorrow when I am feeling better. thank you
My weekend went well, up until last night. But I managed to give Hazel two naps yesterday, each of them about 3 hours long. And the first one was a family nap with Jeff and Hazel. We had a pretty good time.
I think if you start getting sick....get gatorade. a large thing of it...it helps so much. That and warm jello stops puking. I'll have more to write about tomorrow when I am feeling better. thank you
Thursday, January 24, 2013
A Night Out
Well, tonight Jeff, Hazel and I got to go out to dinner with one of Jeff's guy friends (yes. he has guy friends :P not just me and Hazel). We had a nice dinner, and since I started my new meds, no breakdowns, or panic attacks.
Hazel loved Jeff's friend, and she was all smiles and giggles all evening in the restaurant, and in the car. She fell asleep on the way home from dinner, and woke up in time to play with the puppy before heading to bed. Tomorrow I'll be hanging out with one of my good friends Alisa.
We've already planned to start an anime marathon, something I've wanted to do for a while, and we just need to sort out how long she'll be able to stay over since she lives about an hour away. Today has been pretty great, no breakdowns. I had time to take a bath together (BUBBLES!) and had some time to use a mint mud mask that really helped me relax. I even had the motivation to straighten my hair.
Okay, so my challenge for the moms out there: I WANT YOU TO TAKE THE TIME TO PAMPER YOURSELF! EVEN IF ITS JUST A MINUTE MORE OF SLEEPING IN, OR EVEN JUST PAINTING YOUR NAILS. EVEN DOING YOUR HAIR IN THAT DOWN HAIRSTYLE INSTEAD OF THE MESSY MOMMY PONYTAIL!
My challenge to all the dads out there: I WANT YOU TO SPEND TIME WITH THE GUYS THIS WEEKEND! YOU GUYS NEED SOME FUN TOO!
My challenge to all the norms out there....screw you (kidding!!!): TRY SOMETHING NEW! WATCH A NEW MOVIE YOU NORMALLY WOULD NEVER PICK OFF THE SHELF! TRY TO CUT LOOSE!
My challenge for the great grandparents/grandparents: I WANT YOU TO SPEND AT LEAST A DAY WITH THE GRANDKIDS! HAVE FUN WITH THEM, SPOIL THEM (NO DON'T! WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT GOES!) AND JUST ENJOY THEM!
Hazel loved Jeff's friend, and she was all smiles and giggles all evening in the restaurant, and in the car. She fell asleep on the way home from dinner, and woke up in time to play with the puppy before heading to bed. Tomorrow I'll be hanging out with one of my good friends Alisa.
We've already planned to start an anime marathon, something I've wanted to do for a while, and we just need to sort out how long she'll be able to stay over since she lives about an hour away. Today has been pretty great, no breakdowns. I had time to take a bath together (BUBBLES!) and had some time to use a mint mud mask that really helped me relax. I even had the motivation to straighten my hair.
Okay, so my challenge for the moms out there: I WANT YOU TO TAKE THE TIME TO PAMPER YOURSELF! EVEN IF ITS JUST A MINUTE MORE OF SLEEPING IN, OR EVEN JUST PAINTING YOUR NAILS. EVEN DOING YOUR HAIR IN THAT DOWN HAIRSTYLE INSTEAD OF THE MESSY MOMMY PONYTAIL!
My challenge to all the dads out there: I WANT YOU TO SPEND TIME WITH THE GUYS THIS WEEKEND! YOU GUYS NEED SOME FUN TOO!
My challenge to all the norms out there....screw you (kidding!!!): TRY SOMETHING NEW! WATCH A NEW MOVIE YOU NORMALLY WOULD NEVER PICK OFF THE SHELF! TRY TO CUT LOOSE!
My challenge for the great grandparents/grandparents: I WANT YOU TO SPEND AT LEAST A DAY WITH THE GRANDKIDS! HAVE FUN WITH THEM, SPOIL THEM (NO DON'T! WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT GOES!) AND JUST ENJOY THEM!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Fear and Cries for Baby
Last night, I was in the hospital. I was screaming for my baby, and wanting to go home out of fear from the other patients. I did not sleep well, even when they gave me a med that made me pass out and kept me passed out until noon the next day.
Jeff is helping me through what we now know is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Post-partum Depression, and Post-partum Anxiety. All of this is piled on top of my struggle to finish high school. I am fighting to keep myself safe, and happy, while still trying to be a mom.
Everyone has their battles, some are for getting into college, while others are merely graduating high school. Some battles are deeper, like trying to stay away from drugs and alcohol, or even trying to make good friends, but being unable to recognize the bad friends, from the good. Even though you cannot physically see my battle, it is always brewing inside me. I may seem to be a normal teenager, but I'm also a young mom. My battle doesn't end when I go to bed, and it doesn't return when I wake up. It is a constant battle, even in my sleep, I'm fighting myself.
I try to get myself up every morning, and sometimes I even have to wear thick eyeliner and mascara to make myself not cry (as to not smear the make up) so I can go to the store to get formula for my baby, or even just for myself to make myself feel better.
I'm not just a teen, and I'm not just a young mom. I'm a person who has a wonderful boyfriend, beautiful baby, and great family (including my almost-family). Some days, I just need to remember that, and look in the mirror to see who is standing behind me, holding me up and helping to keep me strong.
Thank you to everyone who has my back. I thank you with all my heart, and even that does not do you justice.
My challenge for you all: MAKE A NEW FRIEND TOMORROW, AND TRY TO INTRODUCE THEM TO NEW PEOPLE AND PLACES. EXPLORE THE WORLD AROUND YOU. LOOK AT IT WITH NEW EYES, LIKE A NEWBORN BABY, YOU WILL BE SURPRISED BY WHAT YOU LEARN. TAKE AN INTEREST IN THE WORLD AROUND YOU.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/In-the-Shadow-of-Daylight-Blog/120031064836163
Jeff is helping me through what we now know is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Post-partum Depression, and Post-partum Anxiety. All of this is piled on top of my struggle to finish high school. I am fighting to keep myself safe, and happy, while still trying to be a mom.
Everyone has their battles, some are for getting into college, while others are merely graduating high school. Some battles are deeper, like trying to stay away from drugs and alcohol, or even trying to make good friends, but being unable to recognize the bad friends, from the good. Even though you cannot physically see my battle, it is always brewing inside me. I may seem to be a normal teenager, but I'm also a young mom. My battle doesn't end when I go to bed, and it doesn't return when I wake up. It is a constant battle, even in my sleep, I'm fighting myself.
I try to get myself up every morning, and sometimes I even have to wear thick eyeliner and mascara to make myself not cry (as to not smear the make up) so I can go to the store to get formula for my baby, or even just for myself to make myself feel better.
I'm not just a teen, and I'm not just a young mom. I'm a person who has a wonderful boyfriend, beautiful baby, and great family (including my almost-family). Some days, I just need to remember that, and look in the mirror to see who is standing behind me, holding me up and helping to keep me strong.
Thank you to everyone who has my back. I thank you with all my heart, and even that does not do you justice.
My challenge for you all: MAKE A NEW FRIEND TOMORROW, AND TRY TO INTRODUCE THEM TO NEW PEOPLE AND PLACES. EXPLORE THE WORLD AROUND YOU. LOOK AT IT WITH NEW EYES, LIKE A NEWBORN BABY, YOU WILL BE SURPRISED BY WHAT YOU LEARN. TAKE AN INTEREST IN THE WORLD AROUND YOU.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/In-the-Shadow-of-Daylight-Blog/120031064836163
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Dogs for Therapy, Huge Help!
I love dogs. I am the kind of person who would go to the animal shelter and let all the puppies out in the play room and just roll on the floor with them and bark and stuff with them. and just lay on the floor and let them lick me all over.
In the past week I have gone to the animal shelter three times, and each time, I see the same dog there. He's sweet, kinda medium sized, and great personality. He's not a pretty dog, but he's three years old, house-broke, trained, and works well with kids and other animals, so why am I talking about him? He's been there since December 5 of 2012.
Lots of the dogs I have seen there have already been adopted. Except him, so I'm talking to people who I think will adopt him. Thank you, Dani!
Last night I had a very bad break down, and Hazel wound up spending the night at her grandpa's. I was still even crying when i went to bed, I was very worked up, because it seems like no one is willing to talk to me anymore, and I don't have much of a social life...I do reach out to people, but not many people respond. I'm not sure why, but since I had gotten pregnant, people started to distance themselves from me.
I try to act like its not a problem, but it is. It bothers me a lot. So.....here comes the challenge.
CHALLENGE: TALK AND HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE YOU USED TO TALK TO ALOT (EVEN IF THERE WAS A FIGHT I DGAF!) JUST TALK. SEE HOW THEY ARE.
SECOND CHALLENGE: GO TO AN ANIMAL SHELTER AND LOOK AT THE DOGS, GIVE THEM SOME ATTENTION, THEY NEED LOVE TOO.
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In the past week I have gone to the animal shelter three times, and each time, I see the same dog there. He's sweet, kinda medium sized, and great personality. He's not a pretty dog, but he's three years old, house-broke, trained, and works well with kids and other animals, so why am I talking about him? He's been there since December 5 of 2012.
Lots of the dogs I have seen there have already been adopted. Except him, so I'm talking to people who I think will adopt him. Thank you, Dani!
Last night I had a very bad break down, and Hazel wound up spending the night at her grandpa's. I was still even crying when i went to bed, I was very worked up, because it seems like no one is willing to talk to me anymore, and I don't have much of a social life...I do reach out to people, but not many people respond. I'm not sure why, but since I had gotten pregnant, people started to distance themselves from me.
I try to act like its not a problem, but it is. It bothers me a lot. So.....here comes the challenge.
CHALLENGE: TALK AND HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE YOU USED TO TALK TO ALOT (EVEN IF THERE WAS A FIGHT I DGAF!) JUST TALK. SEE HOW THEY ARE.
SECOND CHALLENGE: GO TO AN ANIMAL SHELTER AND LOOK AT THE DOGS, GIVE THEM SOME ATTENTION, THEY NEED LOVE TOO.
The Facebook page for my blog updates: https://www.facebook.com/pages/In-the-Shadow-of-Daylight-Blog/120031064836163
Monday, January 21, 2013
Challenges and Stereotypes
Today, I had a nap with Hazel this morning.
Challenge: not having an anxiety attack when Hazel was screaming for Jeff who was in the other room.
Mood: Frazzled/overwhelmed
I am slowly getting closer to Hazel, but everything is starting to get on top of me. I am starting to feel as though no one is willing to talk to me anymore. I'm also getting tired of being called a "teen mom". I'm a teenager, and I am a mom. I won't always be a teenager. So I would rather people start calling "teen moms" YOUNG MOMS instead. Its much more accurate. Young moms grow up faster than teenagers mentally.
I don't like stereotypes. I hate them. SO..... my challenge for everyone, talk to someone different than you. Like punk, rocker, goth, emo, popular, etc. and get to know them AS A PERSON! Try to understand them better, and try to find things that you both have in common, you might be surprised, and make a new friend.
I don't like judging, but everyone judges people, even me. But try to get to know people on your own, and always be nice to people no matter what. You don't ever know what's going on with them, and they might not know what's going on with you. But you can change that, and be there to try to help make a day easier, better, and brighter for someone just by saying hi, or asking what's wrong and just listening.
Listen to what they're really saying, if they seem like they're hiding something, try to say maybe I help. And don't interrupt them until they're done, and just try to be gentle and tell them what you think they should do. Everyone needs advice, but they need to ask for it, and have someone willing to listen.
Also we now have a Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/In-the-Shadow-of-Daylight-Blog/120031064836163
and please share with people you know. Thank you!
Challenge: not having an anxiety attack when Hazel was screaming for Jeff who was in the other room.
Mood: Frazzled/overwhelmed
I am slowly getting closer to Hazel, but everything is starting to get on top of me. I am starting to feel as though no one is willing to talk to me anymore. I'm also getting tired of being called a "teen mom". I'm a teenager, and I am a mom. I won't always be a teenager. So I would rather people start calling "teen moms" YOUNG MOMS instead. Its much more accurate. Young moms grow up faster than teenagers mentally.
I don't like stereotypes. I hate them. SO..... my challenge for everyone, talk to someone different than you. Like punk, rocker, goth, emo, popular, etc. and get to know them AS A PERSON! Try to understand them better, and try to find things that you both have in common, you might be surprised, and make a new friend.
I don't like judging, but everyone judges people, even me. But try to get to know people on your own, and always be nice to people no matter what. You don't ever know what's going on with them, and they might not know what's going on with you. But you can change that, and be there to try to help make a day easier, better, and brighter for someone just by saying hi, or asking what's wrong and just listening.
Listen to what they're really saying, if they seem like they're hiding something, try to say maybe I help. And don't interrupt them until they're done, and just try to be gentle and tell them what you think they should do. Everyone needs advice, but they need to ask for it, and have someone willing to listen.
Also we now have a Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/In-the-Shadow-of-Daylight-Blog/120031064836163
and please share with people you know. Thank you!
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Trust, Friendship, and Drama
It takes a lot to break my trust, I'll be the first to admit it. I am a very patient person, (except when it comes to kids movies*LOVE THEM!!!* or road trips) and I can tolerate getting my hopes up and then have them crushed by the same person for years on end, and so on.
I used to be the kind of friend who would always be there anytime, anywhere, somehow. I used to sleep with my cellphone ready and charged in a KON backpack I slept with in case my friends needed me. I was a very dependable person. I still am.
But not very many of my friends are. DONT YOU DARE SIT THERE AND SAY BULLSHIT:
You know who you are. Whenever I called needing someone to talk to, you were all too busy, or ignored my calls. You all may say that you've been there for me, but whenever I asked you to hang out
(A) you're already with someone
(B) You've already made plans
(C) Don't want to
(D) ((my favorite)) go on Facebook and complain about how no one wants to hang out with you
A lot of this has impacted me in my recovery. I need people who care about me to actually step up and say that you want to hang and watch movies. I have never tried to be a loner. You guys made me a loner by leaving me on my own.
Often times throughout high school, I have sat at a lunch table alone, and none of you have even noticed me, or attempted to wave a simple "hi" to me. I feel like I am not welcomed at all by the people who call me a friend.
Friendship and communication go two ways, I'm here and I've been trying....what about you?
I am going to give everyone ONE CHALLENGE FOR TOMORROW; reach out to someone. ANYONE you KNOW needs some friendship in their day.
I also want everyone to try not to break promises. EVER. I know sometimes you can't help it, but tell the person why. And it better not be a ridiculous reason for example:
a. "I had to watch a TV marathon of _________!"
b. "I was talking to _______ and lost track of time!"
c. "Because I don't like you." (if this is your excuse why are you even making a promise to them?)
And for all the drama queens out there...will it really matter in a few months? Just drop it. No one likes drama, get the fuck over it.
I used to be the kind of friend who would always be there anytime, anywhere, somehow. I used to sleep with my cellphone ready and charged in a KON backpack I slept with in case my friends needed me. I was a very dependable person. I still am.
But not very many of my friends are. DONT YOU DARE SIT THERE AND SAY BULLSHIT:
You know who you are. Whenever I called needing someone to talk to, you were all too busy, or ignored my calls. You all may say that you've been there for me, but whenever I asked you to hang out
(A) you're already with someone
(B) You've already made plans
(C) Don't want to
(D) ((my favorite)) go on Facebook and complain about how no one wants to hang out with you
A lot of this has impacted me in my recovery. I need people who care about me to actually step up and say that you want to hang and watch movies. I have never tried to be a loner. You guys made me a loner by leaving me on my own.
Often times throughout high school, I have sat at a lunch table alone, and none of you have even noticed me, or attempted to wave a simple "hi" to me. I feel like I am not welcomed at all by the people who call me a friend.
Friendship and communication go two ways, I'm here and I've been trying....what about you?
I am going to give everyone ONE CHALLENGE FOR TOMORROW; reach out to someone. ANYONE you KNOW needs some friendship in their day.
I also want everyone to try not to break promises. EVER. I know sometimes you can't help it, but tell the person why. And it better not be a ridiculous reason for example:
a. "I had to watch a TV marathon of _________!"
b. "I was talking to _______ and lost track of time!"
c. "Because I don't like you." (if this is your excuse why are you even making a promise to them?)
And for all the drama queens out there...will it really matter in a few months? Just drop it. No one likes drama, get the fuck over it.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Beginning to Forgive
When I told my grandma on my dad's side that I was pregnant, not even a second after I told her, she had said, "You ruined your life," and still has not apologized about it. Yes, I understand that she's my grandma and I should respect her and shit, but excuse me. I deserve some respect too. So I automatically told her, "I DID NOT ruin my life. I WILL graduate high school. And I WILL keep my baby."
I hardly speak to her now, but last night I spoke to her and attempted to be civil and hold a decent conversation with her. It didn't last long, but at least I didn't wind up yelling at her. I still hold a little bit of anger towards her, but I will try to be better about it in the future.
I have never had a very close tight relationship with my father's side of the family. That's probably because they are all alot older than me, and there is always a lot of fighting. I hide from drama. I don't like it.
My mom's side of the family is the side I love hanging with. I had a very close relationship with my Papa, who died last spring, six weeks after Hazel was born. I found out when I woke up in the morning that he had passed around midnight the night before.
But near the middle of my pregnancy he was taken to the hospital and was struggling with blood clots and a high white blood cell count.
We had taken sweet little Hazel to see him the day he died, because he was asking for her. That day we had taken a picture of Hazel holding his thumb. He loved her so much, and he had been waiting to see her one last time.
I did not get to the cemetery on time to be there for his burial, and that made me dive deeper into my depression. My family is pulling together now to try to get over the loss of Papa, and we miss him so much. Hazel has taken his seat at the head of the table for Thanksgiving, and she even fell asleep like he used to.
As a family she is making things easier, and now I am willing to go to grief counselling to help me get through this. Its going to be a long road, and my panic attacks are getting better, and even little Maddie got adopted, so that gave me quite a bit of relief.
I hardly speak to her now, but last night I spoke to her and attempted to be civil and hold a decent conversation with her. It didn't last long, but at least I didn't wind up yelling at her. I still hold a little bit of anger towards her, but I will try to be better about it in the future.
I have never had a very close tight relationship with my father's side of the family. That's probably because they are all alot older than me, and there is always a lot of fighting. I hide from drama. I don't like it.
My mom's side of the family is the side I love hanging with. I had a very close relationship with my Papa, who died last spring, six weeks after Hazel was born. I found out when I woke up in the morning that he had passed around midnight the night before.
My grandpa was the most accepting person on my mom's side of the family, and I was so happy when they all followed suit.
But near the middle of my pregnancy he was taken to the hospital and was struggling with blood clots and a high white blood cell count.
I did not get to the cemetery on time to be there for his burial, and that made me dive deeper into my depression. My family is pulling together now to try to get over the loss of Papa, and we miss him so much. Hazel has taken his seat at the head of the table for Thanksgiving, and she even fell asleep like he used to.
As a family she is making things easier, and now I am willing to go to grief counselling to help me get through this. Its going to be a long road, and my panic attacks are getting better, and even little Maddie got adopted, so that gave me quite a bit of relief.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
First Step
I should probably explain why my blog is named “In the Shadows of Daylight”. No one talks about the dark side of being a parent, or the darker side of teen years. I am a teen mom. I got pregnant when I was sixteen by my seventeen year old boyfriend, who ran away from me but later came back. Yes, I’ll get to that later. Yes, we’re still together (not without its challenges, like every relationship). I delivered when I was seventeen. Now at age eighteen, I have post-partum depression. If you don’t know what that is, go look it up in the dictionary, I am not a dictionary.
I kept my beautiful baby girl, who is now ten months old. I used to be fine with touching her when I was breastfeeding and over the summer until school started. I started withdrawing after I got out of the hospital, I’d break down crying when I was away from my baby for longer than an hour. Sometimes I didn’t even make it to half an hour. My wonderful man Jeff (her daddy) tried to take me on a date to Subway and I wound up freaking out in the corner of subway about money and how to take care of our sweetheart.
In the past month, it has done a complete one-eighty. I am afraid of my darling baby girl with huge smiles and hugs for everyone. I cannot touch her without having a panic attack, I want to touch her, but I freak out, I mean, yeah, I love the little sweetie, but hell…I just cannot touch her. I don’t push her away, I just get tense and freak out on Bingo Blitz on Facebook which helps immensely. I have been playing it non-stop for the past two days while trying to figure out how to cope other than bingo.
Sometimes, I can not let my little one go, I’m scared she will run away. (she’s already walking, it’s a legit fear) We already have two kid-gates, and we have them up constantly, the dog now exercises constantly as well between trying to get away from baby and leaping over the gates. I can barely change her diaper, I can’t really give her a bath, and I struggle to feed her (there is NO lack of food for her! Its just me and my battle).
Now, I know what you people are thinking, “That’s what’s wrong with teen parents! Irresponsible! Lazy! Facebook! Abusing their babies!” or something along the lines of “GRAAHHH!!! CPS!!!” (If you don’t know what CPS is…something is wrong with this picture.)
Well I have something to tell you.
Fuck you, old person. I do not abuse my baby. Her dad is the one who takes care of her when I’m having break downs. Don’t like it? Go to a cooking/sewing/house décor/haters of teen parents blog!
My big accomplishment for the day was being able to get my daughter dressed without help, it may sound small…but it was huge, I was so proud of myself. Then she fell and started crying, I freaked out and yelled for Jeff, too scared that I hurt her or that she’ll run from me.
I am not going back to high school this quarter, but I will finish this year, and graduate with my class, it’s going to be a battle, but I will prevail. I want all teen parents to know that its okay to be scared, or be depressed, I’m going through it, but I’m also trying to get better. Somedays I don’t even want to get out of bed because I’m scared of everything. All I wanted to do a while ago, was cuddle with puppies at the humane society, where I found an adorable little one year old griffon puppy named Maddie who had just arrived.
And yes. I asked my parents (begged) and Jeff (he’s a cat person and big dog person) if we could adopt her.
The answer was no. But hey I tried, and I get to volunteer there now and play with the puppies there! One good thing done.
I have never been comfortable around people, I sometimes even freaked on my best friends growing up. But with animals I am fine. This was my therapist’s idea to try to get me to relax since I have always had a knack for writing stories.
No matter what happens to me, I’m going to try to endure for my baby.
Even though I attempted to overdose once, I told my family to lock up all meds in a safe, which might help other people going through depression (ANY FORM OF DEPRESSION!!) and have a family member or trusted person give you what you need to take. You yourself should never have the key, it defeats the purpose.
My name is Kendra, and I am a teen mom, with a strong family and wonderful boyfriend, and beautiful daughter, and this is my blog about being a mom, post-partum depression, and I have no clue what else to put but…I have cookies to eat, and I think I’m good for now.
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