Obsession: Pregnancy

For the past month I have been obsessed with pregnancy, and babies.

I keep wanting to get pregnant again, maybe in the back of my mind I think I could make up for everything with my PP-crap with a new baby. But then I also feel like I just want a bigger family. I don't know if this comes with Post-Partum, but it has been on my mind alot. I even want to go through labor again.

I see other babies and I just really want to cuddle them and my little girl and have another baby. I told Jeff today and he let me cry out my frustrations, I'm not going to get pregnant. At least not for a while. Jeff has been great with me, so I have to just say I love him to no end, he's so supportive of me in my recovery, and I love him for being so understanding.

I also love my mom for always supporting my writing, I'm super excited for this week, because Jeff is typing up the first book in my series, and I'm going to try to find a literary agent next, then a publisher. I'm so glad for all the support from my friends, and my family for their support throughout the years. I hope that those of you who read my blog, have faith to help me along in my future decisions of my life.

As always, thank you for taking the time to read my blog, and please do follow me on Facebook. I thank you all so much.

Massaging the Past

I'm still trying to forgive my grandma, but its hard to. Today I'm going to get a massage, so maybe during that time I can try to think about what she said and what she did.

In the past few days, I've been "massaging" my past, thinking back to when I was pregnant, and thinking about how I changed and how people treated me. I was isolated alot then too. But I still had friends. I'm starting to relax more, and think about what I say and do before I act. I spend a lot more time with Hazel now that I feel comfortable about how I'm feeling, most of the time.

Dixie might have to leave the house, because of how she acts towards Hazel, but my cousin Angel said she'd try to convince her parents to take Dixie in even with their two big dogs. The tension in the house is sort of relaxing, but we still have moments. I'm glad to say that I'm starting to feel normal again.

I still have some trouble with my emotions sometimes but that's getting to be easier to handle as well, its just other people that confuse me anymore.

I'm trying to sort out my own feelings so that I can possibly begin writing my book again. I'm now considering just combining the two books to make it flow better, but I'm starting to think that I might just need to do some editing in the first book to make my story in the second book will be better understood. Writing this story in my head has really helped me put my emotions down into events in a book, where I can't be in trouble. It helps me relax and calm down.

Erotophobia

Erotophobia, the fear of sex.

That is one of my problems with my anxiety. When I was about 2-3 months pregnant, I was raped, I'm not going into details or names, but I'm just explaining my fear here. Since then, I have had trouble relaxing enough to have a few moments with Jeff, before I make up some lame excuse to stop. I have been scared, like I have no control in my sexual relationship with him, I feel weak, and not as strong as other girls.

I want to feel safe in my relationship, but most of this must start in the bedroom, I need to feel that I have power and choices in the bedroom, not just Jeff. I love him, he doesn't hurt me. I just am scared. I am trying to feel more powerful. Last night was a good first try.

EXCUSE ME IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MY SEXLIFE AND STRUGGLES WITH MY SELF CONFIDENCE AND BETTERING MYSELF, PLEASE EXIT THIS BLOG. THANK YOU.

I am trying to do this for me, and no one else. I am trying to make me feel better about myself. Thank you for reading this and helping me with kind words and keeping close watch on my blog. I do appreciate it.

Long Road Taken

Well, after a rough time on Valentine's Day (due to some nasty comments about my character, and my mental health by an outside party), I got to talk and hang out with a very close friend, who i thought I had lost. I'm happy to say that she and I are back to how things used to be. I have Jeff to thank for talking to her.

I managed to cling onto a copy of Hotel Transylvania. I'm trying to be a little more outgoing, but I regressed alot more, because of the nasty comments. I tried to be strong, but I just got exhausted from everything, so this weekend I've been trying to relax, not easy to do with a lot of pain in my leg and stomach.

While I try to recover, I just want to thank the people in my life, first of all...Jeff. Thank you so much, for everything you do. You hold me up and you let me cry on your shoulder, even when I panic. I love you, and I need you more than you know.

Second, Hazel, my sweetie, my cutie, and my little ray of sunshine, for always being able to make me grin, no matter what, I always want to snuggle you, and cuddle you. I just love your beautiful smile and tiny feet and gentle but strong fingers.

Thirdly, my mom, for being able to understand my life, and always wanting to help me move forward from what i'm going through. I love you so much, and I know that you don't like how the kitchen is sometimes, but I do love you, and I just want you to know that.

My friends, Kelsey, Kellie, Dani, Andrew, and Julia, thank you for all the constant support and love that you give me each and everyday with all the smilies, smiles, laughs, and over excited conversations we have when we have soda and have way too many ideas in our heads.

And thank you, to everyone who reads this. It means a lot to me to know that you care enough to take the time to read my blog. So...thank you.

Valentine's Day

I am actually looking forward to tomorrow. Jeff has somethings planned for our family and ourselves for the evening. Hazel loves her giant stuffed bear that Jeff and I found at Wal-mart for her.

Tomorrow morning Hazel is spending time with us, and we're all going to play, as a family.

Now, Jeff has me excited and nervous for the evening, I don't know what we're doing.

For My Zing

Well, this week has come so fast. Its nearly Valentine's Day, and as it approaches, I am getting anxious, nervous and worried. Why? Because I'm scared Jeff will pull away. Last night, I could not fall asleep until I was holding his hand and laying on his chest, and I did NOT want him to move, he barely got to go to the kitchen for a bowl of cereal, because I was scared he was going to run away.

I love him, but alot of our little fights happen because I'm scared of losing him, or of him leaving me because he'll realize I'm just a touch screwy in the head. He continually tells me he knows that I'm screwy, but that I'm just weird, and that's what he loves about me. I call myself crazy and he tells me I'm not, and that he loves me.

He means so much to me...He is my life preserver, my rock, my love, and my other half. I do not know what I would do without him. He is always going to be my safe place to hide in when I need to.

So, I dedicate this blog post to him. We may have our fights, we may have our struggles, we may disagree on movies every time we go to the movie store, we may not like each others' video games, but...I will always love you, you are always in my heart. Forever. You are my Zing.

What Hurts The Most

I'm a young mom, as you know. And I was talking to another young mom friend I have named Ashley. She is experiencing the same anger and frustrations I am having. Our babies were born a few months apart, and right now we're both mad.

We're mad that no one calls or messages just to check up. Hey, hello? Yeah, hi. WE'RE STILL PEOPLE HERE WE JUST HAVE KIDS!! I am so ready to scream at everyone and just freak out because with all the hints and shit, NO ONE CALLS! I try to be nice, and I try to hold it in.

Oh? You say YOU"RE busy? You were never busy before! I am so angry with all the people who used to talk to me, because you all don't even seem to care, do you even think about me? I helped you so much in the past and when I need some help, NO ONE IS THERE (except Jeff, but he doesn't count because he hasn't abandoned me and Hazel!)

I reach out. I try to grab your attention, and I get nothing. Soon, I WILL clean out my friends list. I have tried, but you don't even seem to consider me human.

So, if you actually do care, prove it. Just prove it, I don't care if you have to walk up to my front door and tell me you're sorry, I want some proof.

If you don't, go ahead and remove me, I have tried.

Thank you for your consideration,

Kendra

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Torn Up

We might be giving away our dog Dixie. Its gotten to the point where I'm scared of the dog, and the dog growls at me and Hazel. She tried to bite me today, so its not been a good day. I took a nice relaxing bath, but I still have a throbbing headache. I've been crying like crazy because i'll be going dogless for a while...

And I can barely survive without dogs. It stresses me out and I get very depressed. I try to be okay, and i just explode with emotion. I can't contain myself around dogs....I'm going to miss my dog...

Another Way

I love writing, and I feel like I'm almost ready to write books and poems again. I'm almost ready to go out in public again...I'm starting to meet new people on bingo blitz. And I did thank my English teacher today, now comes the struggles of adding her on Facebook. I really think that my blog is confusing people, but I'm really just talking about how I feel about things, and whats bugging me.

Rude people bug me. Cold things bug me. Cold pop bugs me.

And often times stupid people bug me.

I try to be honest on here, unlike how I am in person....I try not to hurt people's feelings in person, but the one person i know I can be honest with is Jeff. I can always talk to him, but sometimes I just want to shout out all my frustrations, and annoyances to the world. So that's what you guys read this for. and this is my attempt at being funny.

You can laugh anytime now.

I take things very serious. I rarely see the funny side in a baby falling in dog shit. the first thing that comes to mind for me; "OHMYGOD WHAT ABOUT THE CLOTHES?! AND THE BABY IS GONNA CRY!! STOP IT!!!" Don't laugh. That's seriously what I thought when I saw that video. Not funny.

I am now very clingy to my daughter, I don't want to let her go. She's my little cute sweetie.

Thinking Back

When I was younger, I was the kind of girl who didn't like to hang around with other girls. I was the girl who always wore t-shirts, jeans/shorts, and worn out muddy dirty sneakers. I didn't like long hair, and if I had long hair, I had it up in a ponytail.

I didn't like to hang around with girls because...they were mean, and...they just pissed me off. I selected a few girls I did hang out with, and we pretty much played Pokemon in the field, (with the bees), just to get away from all the mean kids that were at our school.

I'm not going to lie, I was a mean little girl, I did NOT like people who talked bad about me, judged me, or just...tried to take me down. Well...I usually took care of that physically.

When middle school came, I started falling into depression more than when I was in elementary school. I didn't feel welcomed by my guy friends once school started, except one, (Thanks Seb!) and I had to make more girl friends.

Our middle school may claim to be a "NO BULLYING ZONE". But they didn't really do anything when the teachers did see it. A lot of my teachers in my sixth grade year actually made me even more depressed and I skipped school because I didn't feel welcomed by my TEACHERS. But one of the teachers I will never forget is Mrs. Mackenzie. She was great, she got me interested in English, which has not suffered at all from my recent struggles, and I really should call her tomorrow to say thank you to her.

What I'm trying to point out is, even if kids look confident, strong and stubborn in their ways, they might just be doing it so you don't worry, I came out because I couldn't hold it in anymore.

So, please, think before you speak, it might have a larger impact on a child than you will ever know.

Please share with friends and family, and my challenge to you: TALK TO YOUR KIDS OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD OR HOW THEY'RE FEELING AND HAVE AN IN DEPTH CONVERSATION.

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A Fun Way to Race

As today started, Jeff and I both woke up from nightmares, mine involving vampires trying to kill my baby, and Jeff's...that's his business. After I saw Hazel sleeping happily upstairs, I took a shower and got ready before grabbing my girlie Julia for our group date with Jeff and Andrew.

We all had a wonderful day, and had so much fun, thanks to The Amazing Pizza Machine and bad drivers causing Jeff's comical road-rage rant of curses. Getting out with a group of people helped ease my feelings about being out of the house, and I really enjoyed myself, even though I didn't get to beat anyone at Go-Karts, or Bumper Cars. I at least scored the most at Ice-Ball and Julia and I both got Hazel a princess crown for her to wear on her birthday which is getting closer everyday.

I left the Pizza Machine with a great big stupid fat grin on my face and I felt like a million bucks.

So...this week(WHOLE WEEK) I want you to try to have fun with anything and everything you do. Do it with a smile! Be nice! Laugh!

Outside and....shopping.

I'm a mom, but I'm still a girl. So I finally got the guts to go shopping, and found a little too much, but that's fine, I've trimmed down alot since i gave birth and I needed new clothes (I finally fit into size fours-with room to spare!) I wasn't as anxious shopping in the mall and other stores, than waiting to go shopping.

I did have a great day out, left home around 11 A.M. and got home around 7 P.M. I even managed to put together an outfit for under $50 from Kohl's, and Wet Seal. I'll show a picture tomorrow probably this is going to be a short one.

And the little girl inside me came out to play when I found glow in the dark neon green nail polish at Claire's.

Shopping is therapy for girls, we just need a splurge every once in a while.

Something Great and Something Wonderful

Today, I woke up, ate some cookies and actually got dressed.

I put on a fitted t-shirt, and a white fashion hoodie, and my smooth black jeans. I also brushed my hair, and put on some light make up, mostly around my eyes and lips, with no foundation. And I felt beautiful. I still do. I feel wonderful.

We took Hazel out to her doctor's appointment, yes I went outside! And I liked it, despite it being below zero.

Hazel went to her grandpa's for a while and when Jeff and I got home, we were hugging and talking. I looked down at my stomach as he unzipped my coat, and said, "I'm fat." and smacked my baby belly fat.

He pulled off my coat, and said, "No you are not, you are much more beautiful than when i met you, you look healthy, not anarexic. I like you this way. I love you this way."

And it made me feel so much happier and I felt like some of my sadness was going away.

So...my challenge for you: FIND SOMETHING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF AND TRY TO TAKE CARE OF IT, AND LET THAT PART OF TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF SPREAD INTO THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND BODY! WE OWE IT TO OURSELVES TO DO THIS. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SKINNY TO BE BEAUTIFUL!

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