Panic Attacks

I wanted to explain why panic attacks are scary, and why they hurt.

When I have a panic attack, my heart starts racing and my body locks up. I breathe really fast, and I get very defensive. I'm often in the state of mind of thinking everyone is trying to steal my daughter or take me to a hospital, or even just wanting to hurt me for fun. I get very nervous and want to take Hazel to the basement and curl up in a blanket and protect her.

The panic attacks hurt because of how tense I get, my muscles get stiff and knotted up because of it. I find it hard to relax, but I have heard exercise is good for anxiety attacks, and that it helps overall with mental health. I'm going to try to exercise more, Jeff and I have already promised to start walking every day that there's nice weather.

I also plan on trying to play tennis again, and ride my bike more often. I've also found that mud masks really help relax me after a long day, and that green tea bubble baths that are warm help loosen my muscles. I'm also trying to figure out a way to help my skin some more because I have stress acne, and its a pet peeve of mine. I don't like my skin that much, but I won't torch it in a tanning bed.

So my challenge for you: FIND A WAY TO RELAX AND START EXERCISING, EVEN IF ITS A FIFTEEN MINUTE JOG! JUST HAVE FUN WITH IT!

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Love in My Arms

Hazel came home today from the house being quarantined from her because we all were sick.

As soon as I saw her I was down on the floor hugging her and playing with her. I missed her little arms flapping around, and her big infectious smile and her bright blue eyes.

She was so happy but so tired. I love her, and I'm starting to relax about her. I touch her now, and sometimes I don't even want to let go. I love her so much. So now I'm trying to reach out into the community. I'm going on more dates with Jeff and Hazel, and our friends. I'm trying and starting to feel a bit better outside of the basement and house. I'm trying to help people again. And I'm trying to be helpful to my close friends. You know who you are.

I want to help them see clearly again...and see what they need.

So...my challenge: DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE, WHETHER ITS JUST LISTENING AND GIVING ADVICE, OR JUST TAKING A STEP BACK AND HAVING A CONVERSATION!

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Sickness and Gatorade

While you may find this one to be very odd, I'm trying to get over the stomach flu, as is Jeff, and my mom....thank you babygirl for sharing. She's so darn cute when she's sick, and she gets very very cuddly with people, and its hard not to cuddle her. That is the reason we're sick.

My weekend went well, up until last night. But I managed to give Hazel two naps yesterday, each of them about 3 hours long. And the first one was a family nap with Jeff and Hazel. We had a pretty good time.

I think if you start getting sick....get gatorade. a large thing of it...it helps so much. That and warm jello stops puking. I'll have more to write about tomorrow when I am feeling better. thank you

A Night Out

Well, tonight Jeff, Hazel and I got to go out to dinner with one of Jeff's guy friends (yes. he has guy friends :P not just me and Hazel). We had a nice dinner, and since I started my new meds, no breakdowns, or panic attacks.

Hazel loved Jeff's friend, and she was all smiles and giggles all evening in the restaurant, and in the car. She fell asleep on the way home from dinner, and woke up in time to play with the puppy before heading to bed. Tomorrow I'll be hanging out with one of my good friends Alisa.

We've already planned to start an anime marathon, something I've wanted to do for a while, and we just need to sort out how long she'll be able to stay over since she lives about an hour away. Today has been pretty great, no breakdowns. I had time to take a bath together (BUBBLES!) and had some time to use a mint mud mask that really helped me relax. I even had the motivation to straighten my hair.

Okay, so my challenge for the moms out there: I WANT YOU TO TAKE THE TIME TO PAMPER YOURSELF! EVEN IF ITS JUST A MINUTE MORE OF SLEEPING IN, OR EVEN JUST PAINTING YOUR NAILS. EVEN DOING YOUR HAIR IN THAT DOWN HAIRSTYLE INSTEAD OF THE MESSY MOMMY PONYTAIL!

My challenge to all the dads out there: I WANT YOU TO SPEND TIME WITH THE GUYS THIS WEEKEND! YOU GUYS NEED SOME FUN TOO!

My challenge to all the norms out there....screw you (kidding!!!): TRY SOMETHING NEW! WATCH A NEW MOVIE YOU NORMALLY WOULD NEVER PICK OFF THE SHELF! TRY TO CUT LOOSE!

My challenge for the great grandparents/grandparents: I WANT YOU TO SPEND AT LEAST A DAY WITH THE GRANDKIDS! HAVE FUN WITH THEM, SPOIL THEM (NO DON'T! WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT GOES!) AND JUST ENJOY THEM!

Fear and Cries for Baby

Last night, I was in the hospital. I was screaming for my baby, and wanting to go home out of fear from the other patients. I did not sleep well, even when they gave me a med that made me pass out and kept me passed out until noon the next day.

Jeff is helping me through what we now know is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Post-partum Depression, and Post-partum Anxiety. All of this is piled on top of my struggle to finish high school. I am fighting to keep myself safe, and happy, while still trying to be a mom.

Everyone has their battles, some are for getting into college, while others are merely graduating high school. Some battles are deeper, like trying to stay away from drugs and alcohol, or even trying to make good friends, but being unable to recognize the bad friends, from the good. Even though you cannot physically see my battle, it is always brewing inside me. I may seem to be a normal teenager, but I'm also a young mom. My battle doesn't end when I go to bed, and it doesn't return when I wake up. It is a constant battle, even in my sleep, I'm fighting myself.

I try to get myself up every morning, and sometimes I even have to wear thick eyeliner and mascara to make myself not cry (as to not smear the make up) so I can go to the store to get formula for my baby, or even just for myself to make myself feel better.

I'm not just a teen, and I'm not just a young mom. I'm a person who has a wonderful boyfriend, beautiful baby, and great family (including my almost-family). Some days, I just need to remember that, and look in the mirror to see who is standing behind me, holding me up and helping to keep me strong.

Thank you to everyone who has my back. I thank you with all my heart, and even that does not do you justice.

My challenge for you all:  MAKE A NEW FRIEND TOMORROW, AND TRY TO INTRODUCE THEM TO NEW PEOPLE AND PLACES. EXPLORE THE WORLD AROUND YOU. LOOK AT IT WITH NEW EYES, LIKE A NEWBORN BABY, YOU WILL BE SURPRISED BY WHAT YOU LEARN. TAKE AN INTEREST IN THE WORLD AROUND YOU.

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Dogs for Therapy, Huge Help!

I love dogs. I am the kind of person who would go to the animal shelter and let all the puppies out in the play room and just roll on the floor with them and bark and stuff with them. and just lay on the floor and let them lick me all over.

In the past week I have gone to the animal shelter three times, and each time, I see the same dog there. He's sweet, kinda medium sized, and great personality. He's not a pretty dog, but he's three years old, house-broke, trained, and works well with kids and other animals, so why am I talking about him? He's been there since December 5 of 2012.

Lots of the dogs I have seen there have already been adopted. Except him, so I'm talking to people who I think will adopt him. Thank you, Dani!

Last night I had a very bad break down, and Hazel wound up spending the night at her grandpa's. I was still even crying when i went to bed, I was very worked up, because it seems like no one is willing to talk to me anymore, and I don't have much of a social life...I do reach out to people, but not many people respond. I'm not sure why, but since I had gotten pregnant, people started to distance themselves from me.

I try to act like its not a problem, but it is. It bothers me a lot. So.....here comes the challenge.

CHALLENGE:  TALK AND HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE YOU USED TO TALK TO ALOT (EVEN IF THERE WAS A FIGHT I DGAF!) JUST TALK. SEE HOW THEY ARE.

SECOND CHALLENGE:  GO TO AN ANIMAL SHELTER AND LOOK AT THE DOGS, GIVE THEM SOME ATTENTION, THEY NEED LOVE TOO.

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Challenges and Stereotypes

Today, I had a nap with Hazel this morning.

Challenge: not having an anxiety attack when Hazel was screaming for Jeff who was in the other room.

Mood:  Frazzled/overwhelmed

I am slowly getting closer to Hazel, but everything is starting to get on top of me. I am starting to feel as though no one is willing to talk to me anymore. I'm also getting tired of being called a "teen mom". I'm a teenager, and I am a mom. I won't always be a teenager. So I would rather people start calling "teen moms" YOUNG MOMS instead. Its much more accurate. Young moms grow up faster than teenagers mentally.

I don't like stereotypes. I hate them. SO..... my challenge for everyone, talk to someone different than you. Like punk, rocker, goth, emo, popular, etc. and get to know them AS A PERSON! Try to understand them better, and try to find things that you both have in common, you might be surprised, and make a new friend.

I don't like judging, but everyone judges people, even me. But try to get to know people on your own, and always be nice to people no matter what. You don't ever know what's going on with them, and they might not know what's going on with you. But you can change that, and be there to try to help make a day easier, better, and brighter for someone just by saying hi, or asking what's wrong and just listening.

Listen to what they're really saying, if they seem like they're hiding something, try to say maybe I help. And don't interrupt them until they're done, and just try to be gentle and tell them what you think they should do. Everyone needs advice, but they need to ask for it, and have someone willing to listen.

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Trust, Friendship, and Drama

It takes a lot to break my trust, I'll be the first to admit it. I am a very patient person, (except when it comes to kids movies*LOVE THEM!!!* or road trips) and I can tolerate getting my hopes up and then have them crushed by the same person for years on end, and so on.

I used to be the kind of friend who would always be there anytime, anywhere, somehow. I used to sleep with my cellphone ready and charged in a KON backpack I slept with in case my friends needed me. I was a very dependable person. I still am.

But not very many of my friends are. DONT YOU DARE SIT THERE AND SAY BULLSHIT:

You know who you are. Whenever I called needing someone to talk to, you were all too busy, or ignored my calls. You all may say that you've been there for me, but whenever I asked you to hang out

(A) you're already with someone

(B) You've already made plans

(C) Don't want to

(D) ((my favorite)) go on Facebook and complain about how no one wants to hang out with you


A lot of this has impacted me in my recovery. I need people who care about me to actually step up and say that you want to hang and watch movies. I have never tried to be a loner. You guys made me a loner by leaving me on my own.

Often times throughout high school, I have sat at a lunch table alone, and none of you have even noticed me, or attempted to wave a simple "hi" to me. I feel like I am not welcomed at all by the people who call me a friend.

Friendship and communication go two ways, I'm here and I've been trying....what about you?


I am going to give everyone ONE CHALLENGE FOR TOMORROW; reach out to someone. ANYONE you KNOW needs some friendship in their day.

I also want everyone to try not to break promises. EVER. I know sometimes you can't help it, but tell the person why. And it better not be a ridiculous reason for example:

a.  "I had to watch a TV marathon of _________!"

b.  "I was talking to _______ and lost track of time!"

c.  "Because I don't like you." (if this is your excuse why are you even making a promise to them?)

And for all the drama queens out there...will it really matter in a few months? Just drop it. No one likes drama, get the fuck over it.

Beginning to Forgive

When I told my grandma on my dad's side that I was pregnant, not even a second after I told her, she had said, "You ruined your life," and still has not apologized about it. Yes, I understand that she's my grandma and I should respect her and shit, but excuse me. I deserve some respect too. So I automatically told her, "I DID NOT ruin my life. I WILL graduate high school. And I WILL keep my baby."

I hardly speak to her now, but last night I spoke to her and attempted to be civil and hold a decent conversation with her. It didn't last long, but at least I didn't wind up yelling at her. I still hold a little bit of anger towards her, but I will try to be better about it in the future.

I have never had a very close tight relationship with my father's side of the family. That's probably because they are all alot older than me, and there is always a lot of fighting. I hide from drama. I don't like it.

My mom's side of the family is the side I love hanging with. I had a very close relationship with my Papa, who died last spring, six weeks after Hazel was born. I found out when I woke up in the morning that he had passed around midnight the night before.

My grandpa was the most accepting person on my mom's side of the family, and I was so happy when they all followed suit.

But near the middle of my pregnancy he was taken to the hospital and was struggling with blood clots and a high white blood cell count.

We had taken sweet little Hazel to see him the day he died, because he was asking for her. That day we had taken a picture of Hazel holding his thumb. He loved her so much, and he had been waiting to see her one last time.

I did not get to the cemetery on time to be there for his burial, and that made me dive deeper into my depression. My family is pulling together now to try to get over the loss of Papa, and we miss him so much. Hazel has taken his seat at the head of the table for Thanksgiving, and she even fell asleep like he used to.

As a family she is making things easier, and now I am willing to go to grief counselling to help me get through this. Its going to be a long road, and my panic attacks are getting better, and even little Maddie got adopted, so that gave me quite a bit of relief.

First Step

I should probably explain why my blog is named “In the Shadows of Daylight”. No one talks about the dark side of being a parent, or the darker side of teen years. I am a teen mom. I got pregnant when I was sixteen by my seventeen year old boyfriend, who ran away from me but later came back. Yes, I’ll get to that later. Yes, we’re still together (not without its challenges, like every relationship). I delivered when I was seventeen. Now at age eighteen, I have post-partum depression. If you don’t know what that is, go look it up in the dictionary, I am not a dictionary.

I kept my beautiful baby girl, who is now ten months old. I used to be fine with touching her when I was breastfeeding and over the summer until school started. I started withdrawing after I got out of the hospital, I’d break down crying when I was away from my baby for longer than an hour. Sometimes I didn’t even make it to half an hour. My wonderful man Jeff (her daddy) tried to take me on a date to Subway and I wound up freaking out in the corner of subway about money and how to take care of our sweetheart.
In the past month, it has done a complete one-eighty. I am afraid of my darling baby girl with huge smiles and hugs for everyone. I cannot touch her without having a panic attack, I want to touch her, but I freak out, I mean, yeah, I love the little sweetie, but hell…I just cannot touch her. I don’t push her away, I just get tense and freak out on Bingo Blitz on Facebook which helps immensely. I have been playing it non-stop for the past two days while trying to figure out how to cope other than bingo.

Sometimes, I can not let my little one go, I’m scared she will run away. (she’s already walking, it’s a legit fear) We already have two kid-gates, and we have them up constantly, the dog now exercises constantly as well between trying to get away from baby and leaping over the gates. I can barely change her diaper, I can’t really give her a bath, and I struggle to feed her (there is NO lack of food for her! Its just me and my battle).
Now, I know what you people are thinking, “That’s what’s wrong with teen parents! Irresponsible! Lazy! Facebook! Abusing their babies!” or something along the lines of “GRAAHHH!!! CPS!!!” (If you don’t know what CPS is…something is wrong with this picture.)

Well I have something to tell you.

Fuck you, old person. I do not abuse my baby. Her dad is the one who takes care of her when I’m having break downs. Don’t like it? Go to a cooking/sewing/house décor/haters of teen parents blog!
My big accomplishment for the day was being able to get my daughter dressed without help, it may sound small…but it was huge, I was so proud of myself. Then she fell and started crying, I freaked out and yelled for Jeff, too scared that I hurt her or that she’ll run from me.

I am not going back to high school this quarter, but I will finish this year, and graduate with my class, it’s going to be a battle, but I will prevail. I want all teen parents to know that its okay to be scared, or be depressed, I’m going through it, but I’m also trying to get better. Somedays I don’t even want to get out of bed because I’m scared of everything. All I wanted to do a while ago, was cuddle with puppies at the humane society, where I found an adorable little one year old griffon puppy named Maddie who had just arrived.

And yes. I asked my parents (begged) and Jeff (he’s a cat person and big dog person) if we could adopt her.

The answer was no. But hey I tried, and I get to volunteer there now and play with the puppies there! One good thing done.

I have never been comfortable around people, I sometimes even freaked on my best friends growing up. But with animals I am fine. This was my therapist’s idea to try to get me to relax since I have always had a knack for writing stories.

No matter what happens to me, I’m going to try to endure for my baby.

Even though I attempted to overdose once, I told my family to lock up all meds in a safe, which might help other people going through depression (ANY FORM OF DEPRESSION!!) and have a family member or trusted person give you what you need to take. You yourself should never have the key, it defeats the purpose.

My name is Kendra, and I am a teen mom, with a strong family and wonderful boyfriend, and beautiful daughter, and this is my blog about being a mom, post-partum depression, and I have no clue what else to put but…I have cookies to eat, and I think I’m good for now.