Panic Attacks

I wanted to explain why panic attacks are scary, and why they hurt.

When I have a panic attack, my heart starts racing and my body locks up. I breathe really fast, and I get very defensive. I'm often in the state of mind of thinking everyone is trying to steal my daughter or take me to a hospital, or even just wanting to hurt me for fun. I get very nervous and want to take Hazel to the basement and curl up in a blanket and protect her.

The panic attacks hurt because of how tense I get, my muscles get stiff and knotted up because of it. I find it hard to relax, but I have heard exercise is good for anxiety attacks, and that it helps overall with mental health. I'm going to try to exercise more, Jeff and I have already promised to start walking every day that there's nice weather.

I also plan on trying to play tennis again, and ride my bike more often. I've also found that mud masks really help relax me after a long day, and that green tea bubble baths that are warm help loosen my muscles. I'm also trying to figure out a way to help my skin some more because I have stress acne, and its a pet peeve of mine. I don't like my skin that much, but I won't torch it in a tanning bed.

So my challenge for you: FIND A WAY TO RELAX AND START EXERCISING, EVEN IF ITS A FIFTEEN MINUTE JOG! JUST HAVE FUN WITH IT!

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A Night Out

Well, tonight Jeff, Hazel and I got to go out to dinner with one of Jeff's guy friends (yes. he has guy friends :P not just me and Hazel). We had a nice dinner, and since I started my new meds, no breakdowns, or panic attacks.

Hazel loved Jeff's friend, and she was all smiles and giggles all evening in the restaurant, and in the car. She fell asleep on the way home from dinner, and woke up in time to play with the puppy before heading to bed. Tomorrow I'll be hanging out with one of my good friends Alisa.

We've already planned to start an anime marathon, something I've wanted to do for a while, and we just need to sort out how long she'll be able to stay over since she lives about an hour away. Today has been pretty great, no breakdowns. I had time to take a bath together (BUBBLES!) and had some time to use a mint mud mask that really helped me relax. I even had the motivation to straighten my hair.

Okay, so my challenge for the moms out there: I WANT YOU TO TAKE THE TIME TO PAMPER YOURSELF! EVEN IF ITS JUST A MINUTE MORE OF SLEEPING IN, OR EVEN JUST PAINTING YOUR NAILS. EVEN DOING YOUR HAIR IN THAT DOWN HAIRSTYLE INSTEAD OF THE MESSY MOMMY PONYTAIL!

My challenge to all the dads out there: I WANT YOU TO SPEND TIME WITH THE GUYS THIS WEEKEND! YOU GUYS NEED SOME FUN TOO!

My challenge to all the norms out there....screw you (kidding!!!): TRY SOMETHING NEW! WATCH A NEW MOVIE YOU NORMALLY WOULD NEVER PICK OFF THE SHELF! TRY TO CUT LOOSE!

My challenge for the great grandparents/grandparents: I WANT YOU TO SPEND AT LEAST A DAY WITH THE GRANDKIDS! HAVE FUN WITH THEM, SPOIL THEM (NO DON'T! WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT GOES!) AND JUST ENJOY THEM!

First Step

I should probably explain why my blog is named “In the Shadows of Daylight”. No one talks about the dark side of being a parent, or the darker side of teen years. I am a teen mom. I got pregnant when I was sixteen by my seventeen year old boyfriend, who ran away from me but later came back. Yes, I’ll get to that later. Yes, we’re still together (not without its challenges, like every relationship). I delivered when I was seventeen. Now at age eighteen, I have post-partum depression. If you don’t know what that is, go look it up in the dictionary, I am not a dictionary.

I kept my beautiful baby girl, who is now ten months old. I used to be fine with touching her when I was breastfeeding and over the summer until school started. I started withdrawing after I got out of the hospital, I’d break down crying when I was away from my baby for longer than an hour. Sometimes I didn’t even make it to half an hour. My wonderful man Jeff (her daddy) tried to take me on a date to Subway and I wound up freaking out in the corner of subway about money and how to take care of our sweetheart.
In the past month, it has done a complete one-eighty. I am afraid of my darling baby girl with huge smiles and hugs for everyone. I cannot touch her without having a panic attack, I want to touch her, but I freak out, I mean, yeah, I love the little sweetie, but hell…I just cannot touch her. I don’t push her away, I just get tense and freak out on Bingo Blitz on Facebook which helps immensely. I have been playing it non-stop for the past two days while trying to figure out how to cope other than bingo.

Sometimes, I can not let my little one go, I’m scared she will run away. (she’s already walking, it’s a legit fear) We already have two kid-gates, and we have them up constantly, the dog now exercises constantly as well between trying to get away from baby and leaping over the gates. I can barely change her diaper, I can’t really give her a bath, and I struggle to feed her (there is NO lack of food for her! Its just me and my battle).
Now, I know what you people are thinking, “That’s what’s wrong with teen parents! Irresponsible! Lazy! Facebook! Abusing their babies!” or something along the lines of “GRAAHHH!!! CPS!!!” (If you don’t know what CPS is…something is wrong with this picture.)

Well I have something to tell you.

Fuck you, old person. I do not abuse my baby. Her dad is the one who takes care of her when I’m having break downs. Don’t like it? Go to a cooking/sewing/house décor/haters of teen parents blog!
My big accomplishment for the day was being able to get my daughter dressed without help, it may sound small…but it was huge, I was so proud of myself. Then she fell and started crying, I freaked out and yelled for Jeff, too scared that I hurt her or that she’ll run from me.

I am not going back to high school this quarter, but I will finish this year, and graduate with my class, it’s going to be a battle, but I will prevail. I want all teen parents to know that its okay to be scared, or be depressed, I’m going through it, but I’m also trying to get better. Somedays I don’t even want to get out of bed because I’m scared of everything. All I wanted to do a while ago, was cuddle with puppies at the humane society, where I found an adorable little one year old griffon puppy named Maddie who had just arrived.

And yes. I asked my parents (begged) and Jeff (he’s a cat person and big dog person) if we could adopt her.

The answer was no. But hey I tried, and I get to volunteer there now and play with the puppies there! One good thing done.

I have never been comfortable around people, I sometimes even freaked on my best friends growing up. But with animals I am fine. This was my therapist’s idea to try to get me to relax since I have always had a knack for writing stories.

No matter what happens to me, I’m going to try to endure for my baby.

Even though I attempted to overdose once, I told my family to lock up all meds in a safe, which might help other people going through depression (ANY FORM OF DEPRESSION!!) and have a family member or trusted person give you what you need to take. You yourself should never have the key, it defeats the purpose.

My name is Kendra, and I am a teen mom, with a strong family and wonderful boyfriend, and beautiful daughter, and this is my blog about being a mom, post-partum depression, and I have no clue what else to put but…I have cookies to eat, and I think I’m good for now.